Quarter life Crisis?

Is there such a thing?
Going through a mini-menopause?
Am I just 'THIS'?
What am I contributing to my partner?
The society? The world?
Am I just going to keep being drained by my thoughts?
Why am I feeling so lost?
Why am I feeling useless?
Is this normal?
What's next?
Why am I not motivated?
Why am I not consistent?
Why can't I just stick to one thing?
Why are all my plans in my head are ignored or never fulfilled by me?
Why am I lazy?
Am I lazy?
Why would I rather sleep when she's asleep?
Am I giving so much excuses just because my husbands home during the day?
Am I too comfortable with what my daily life is?
Why does it feel shit at the end of the day?
Is it because I'm missing my family?
Are we done living overseas?
Is the fun & thrill finally over?
What is wrong with me?

I feel like God is giving us what we need but it is not blessed by Him. Something's not right. And I am lost. So lost. I really don't know what to do. Or who to talked too. I wonder if there is anyone out there who feels or felt this kinda lost. It may sound ridiculous or stupid or its such a tiny problem (now I feel ashamed writing this) but I need something or somebody to help me.

Lost.

It Came Back.

I guess everytime I'm nearing my menstrual period, my emotions is incontroble & my mood just snaps at everything that annoys me. I get that lonely again, feeling hopeless, useless & 'everyone-else-is-doing-better-than-me' feeling.

And his the closest to me, so he gets the first hit. I hate this. I hate that it keeps coming even when I felt like, "Hey, it's better now."

What triggers it? What? When days that financial is shit, I kept my cool & kept reminding myself, "Alhamdulillah. Be grateful. Alhamdulillah."

But this month, it came back & I blame myself for those words I regret because I sound so ungrateful.

Why am I not rich? I am actually poor & things around me tells me I am. Because I kept asking my husband to buy what 'I want.'

This depression roller coaster is killing me.

When It's about Him. I Trembled.

I hate to know that someone complains of comments or talk about him to me. It's like I failed to make him what he wants to be. I failed as a friend, partner & wife. But I am also feeling appreciative to know of this. Because one can't grow to be a better person without failing.

Maybe it's for the best. But then again, suddenly I felt lost of what I want him to be. *sigh*. What's happening? Is it the age that's making us going through this? Feeling failure. Oh, gosh. Life as an adult is sometimes scary.

I can do this. We can do this. He will learn. InsyaAllah.

Broken Tears.

It's been a long time. I made him cry today. 6th Oct 2017. It must've been very hard for him. I must've made him feel that way. And I feel shit. Because of me, he cried. I've broken his heart. In a way, I made him let go of that male, egoist & I can't handle it, man. I'm sorry, my love. I hate to see you cry. And I know, if you cry, it means that you just can't handle it.

The last time I heard & saw you cry was 10 years ago. And that was because, you were alone in the States & it was your first time to leave everything you love behind. And I cried so hard seeing you cry. Like I couldn't protect you.

And today, because I couldn't control my fear, anger, hatred, emotional, I shouted at you & saying things that doesn't support you, nagging you, pushed you down, made you feel more shit, yet you hugged me so tight, and say everything will be alright. And you cried because I made you feel like I've stop supporting you.

I feel shit. I'm sorry, my love. I lost it. I didn't mean to make you cry & feel worthless. You are my bestest friend & I promised 11 years ago, to support you & make you somebody & proof to all of them who looked down on you & made you feel like you're nobody.

Sometimes I forget who I am. And didn't realized what I say. I'm sorry. It's hard to hit bottom. And my fear creeps on me. And it got the worst of me. And I made you feel like you've done such a crappy job as a husband & father. I'm sorry.

The girl who supported you back then, is still there for you. Despite the roller coaster in life that we are now (finally) facing, arguments & fights & shouts & cries, I will always & forever support you. You are the bestest friend I can ever have, loving husband any wife can ask for & a great father our daughter could grow up with. You are amazing, my love.

I'm sorry I made you break down & cry. I take the blame for it. Forgive me.

Should I Stop My Breastfeeding?

She's now, going to be 19 months old at the end of this 30th July. Today, as I marked my calendar, 27.07.2017, I decided not to nurse her for the first time. And she was okay. And it made me wonder. Sad. Confused. Guilty. Selfish. And just sad. 

I didn't want to nurse her tonight, cause I'm having the bad cramps. Period is coming soon I guess. (Period is kinda 4 days late, women.) Man, do I sound like a selfish-bitch for not giving my daughter her night feed today, just because I'm having the PMS mood swings. 

But then again, she's didn't ask for it. She hasn't been asking for milk for quite a while, actually. I just realized, that every night, it is me or my husband, who asked her if she wants milk. It's like we are asking her to make a decision. And sometimes, she ignores me, but up till I show her my boobs, only then she gets all excited, liked it's a gift. So whats does that tells you? She wants it, or doesn't need to want it..? 

She is not the kind of toddler who touches my breast for milk. Or begs. Or cries out. Or pulls down or up my clothes. Cause I made it a routine for her. Like she knows, she will get her milk. From beginning, she drinks every 1 hour, giving me hell of time, not enough sleep. Then finally gets into the 8 times a day, to 6 times to 4 time and around 15/16 months of, she's only having 1 nurse. Every night, I will ask her and she will drink it. Is it a force? I mean, she takes it when given. But she doesn't ask for it. She wasn't cranky either. Just now, I casually zip up her sleep sack, switch off the table light and put her down in her cot, she was all okay. Does it mean, she's ready to wean?

But, I'm feeling sad. And guilty because I know the main reason I didn't want to feed her tonight was because of my PMS swings. The cramps is making me annoyed out of everything. But now, I'm sad. If it is, that she is ready to wean, I will miss this so badly. I've been doing it for 1 year 7 months! And I didn't have a good start with her in the beginning, but being a stubborn mule, I refused to stop back then. I was so determined to continue, even after a lot of hiccups, anger, fight, frustration, crying and arguing and don't mentioned about the PAIN, but I kept on going and going. And tonight, Thursday 27.07.2017, I did not nurse her. *SOBS!*

I don't know what or how to feel. Or I don't know what I'm feeling now. It's like, part of me is saying, "You selfish bitch, go feed her!". And the other part is "Maybe it's time. It'll be okay." Should I feed her? Oh, dear. 

I told my husband and hoping to help me ease my worrisome, and he, (oh,simple mind a man can be), said, "If she cries later, feed her." - Yup. Just. Like. That. Done. Why, thanks husband dearest. Guess, you just know what to say at the right time. Weaning is really "NOT" effecting me. And how "this thing" is a NO BIG DEAL to me. Whoop-pi!

*sigh* Damn you, PMS. 

These are my thoughts now. I have to write it down. Because I can't keep it to myself, and telling my husband just now, didn't really help me out with my confusion.

1. But, it's supposed to be for 2 years. Its not 2 years yet! I still got 5 more months to go! 
2. But she doesn't drink cows milk. She needs my milk to get her growing! Even if I know I'm giving her enough nutritious solid food, but my milk is the most important. And she only drinks my milk 1 time before bed. And now it stops?
3. Why isn't she asking for milk anymore? She don't need me anymore?
4. Am I not producing enough? But I always see milk dripping at my nipples after her feed.
5. Won't she be hungry?
6. Won't my boobs sore and get bloated because my boobs are so used to her feeding before bed?
7. But, I will miss my bond with her. I will miss her annoying me while I feed her.

Why do I feel bad. Why do I feel sad about this. It's good, right, if she herself weans on her own. I should be happy, right? I get to keep my boobs to myself now. 

Oh, dear. Now I'm crying because she didn't need to nurse just now. I seriously need to sort out my PMS now. It's not making it easier for me. 

ps: I feel my boobs producing the milk. Should I feed her? Will it get sore? 

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

What am I to do?

ID-less. Mother-more.

Ever since I chose to become a wife & now a mom, I realized my ID life is slowly disappearing. I have no sense of design or my brain just don't 'design-function' anymore. Or maybe, I have been a designer-less person all this while. Maybe I don't have any design taste at all. 

I mean, look at all the places I've lived. In Hong Kong, Bahrain, Shanghai. And now in New Zealand. My house looks like I am not a designer or studied ID or even have experienced working in this field. But then again, most of them are furnished and I can only add in things. *paused to think*

I'm beginning to doubt about myself, am I good in design. I think, I'm shit. I got no sense of flair, taste, design or ideas. I guess, I'm only good at talking. Talking shit.

I get jelly when I go on YouTube and see people talk or design and built spaces. I've always dreamt of doing what they are doing, but why is luck not on my side? I can do it, but it cost money and I, being a full-time SAHM, makes no money. And my husband makes enough money for us to pay rent, bills, diapers & food. And yeay! No savings. 

So it sucks. Because I get jealous of them. I ask myself, how come they get to do all that? Why is it so easy for them? Doesn't it cost money? How fortunate are them? How different can they be from me? I studied and work ID, but why can't I have what they do? 

I am not good in my 3D, nor do I can hand draw artistically. I don't even know if my taste in something is tasteful enough to others. And what I love, I myself, can't afford. Is there anyone out there having this same position as me? 

*sigh

Handling Everything.

Mentally exhausted just thinking of what needs to be done at home, and yet, nothing is done accordingly. I have so many things in my head to do. But why is it not happening?

I need to steam AA's veges so to prepare her lunch, because her breakfast wasn't filling & I didn't breastfeed her this morning because I am selfish thinking I will get hungry easily due to Ramadan fasting. I am so selfish. Am I?

I need to clean the house. Vacuum it because there are crumbs, hairs, bits of unknown pieces all over the carpet. And yet, I'm not doing it.

Our washed clothes are piled up on the ottoman for ages & every time I have my 'me-time' or a 'rest time', I don't use that time to fold them clothes. And it keeps piling and piling, because I keep washing and washing more clothes. Because washing in the washer is much easier to set the time & it does it's own magic. But sometimes, I forgot to take out the load out, and have to rewash them back because it stinks & I blame myself for using it because it means that I'm using more electricity, means higher bill this month to pay. And now it's coming to winter, the heater is on every night. And not during the day, where I bundle up my self with layers of clothes & sweaters & socks & poor daughter needs to do the same. 

At the moment, I know my daughter's vegetables is steamed enough because I'm staring at the pot while typing blindly, water boiling & pouring out from it, yet I am just too bloody lazy to go there & fix it or clean it. Because this is my 'me-time' & I want to blog this out, because if I don't, I will blow up and cry for nothing, because at THIS VERY MOMENT, I feel like a shitty mom. A shitty, lazy, unorganized mom & wife. 

I think, I'm just going to feed AA left over fish from last night, with butter, rice & those veges I'm steaming now. I bet she wont eat the vegetables. Because its bland & tasteless. Man, I feel like a shitty mom. 

I have to go buy tickets online to see my sister in Aussie for Raya. But to purchase online, I need to use my credit card, which is working wonderfully, but only if, I am able to receive the One-Time 'whatever' Password, that will be sent to my mobile, that is my Malaysian number, by the way. In which my Malaysian sim card number is the "old sim card", that doesn't effing fit in any of the new high-tech fancy-smancy phone/mobile, AND I do not have ANY of my old school 1990's phone mobile that effing works. Either the keypad is not functioning or the mobile itself is just dead. Great. Now, how am I to purchase any flight tickets if I cant receive that STUPID (though good for security) One-Time Password shit. Argh! 

And since our last short trip back to Malaysia to settle our insurances & bank accounts, we didn't manage to sort out the credit card pin & pay thingy, where when purchasing something using cc, we no longer just swipe, but need to key in some password. So if tomorrow, my brilliant "plan-ahead" or "look into the future" husband buys our flight ticket at the agent or flight center, we may, MAYBE, have a problem paying it. Cause I remembered, wanting to pay my new pair of Nike snickers at the sport shop, and it wasn't successful because there wasn't any receipt that comes out for us to sign. I tried both, using the debit & the credit card. It was stated there, on the device thingy, to key in a pin. I did key in a pin for my debit card, but nope. Transaction unsuccessful. So, yup, we didn't had enough time to do the CC bank thingy while back in Malaysia. Greeeeeat. Yes, we can call their 24 Hr Call centre, but hmmmmm, I wonder how much my mobile bill would cost, just to call internationally. And funny thing, here in Auckland, they only serve PREMIUM customers only. For us, the low down graded customers, we have to figure it out our self. Hence, 'I' have to figure it out myself. Hence, the stress & blow outs.

Got to go, Lil' Birdie is up from her nap & is hungry.

Positive Vibes.

After my last post, I SWORE myself to do what I wrote. One of the list is to get a hobby & to get myself feeling accomplished. 

I finally registered & paid for a dance class. I took Hip Hop. Of all things. But it was the only thing that I liked doing & it is on Saturday. Fits with my mom schedule & hubby is just in time to take care of our little birdie while mommy gets some popping & locking moving. 

I have not worked out or moved vigorously (or I'm going to call it 'UGLY'gorously - LOL!) Honestly, I refused to look in the mirror when I followed the instructor. I felt & still feel ugly seeing myself. Gosh, what have I done to my body. Not blaming myself for being pregnant, but I am blaming myself for not taking care of my body! I let it all go. It's all over. 

And the worst part, I have NO STRENGTH! I have NO STRENGTH! My muscles are all *kapoot*. We had to do some lower leg movement, like lunges from right to left & I had to use my hands to push myself back up! And i freaking tear my quadriceps & vastus (I had to Google it - heh heh heh) It took me about 5 days for it to heal. The next day I couldn't go up or even down the staircase. No bending & sitting up or down is like a puppet for me. I just slumped. My legs turned into a piece of plank that can't be bend without me feeling the pain. Gah! I feel so ashamed of myself. Like I really failed in my fit life. The sore on my leg is so painful. I never knew I could be in such pain. I think giving birth is bearable. (Maybe not. Hmmm..) 

Have I not worked my legs enough from carrying my daughter here and there or walked up the hill to reach our apartment? *Sobs* I guess my ass is so heavy now, that I can't carry my own self anymore. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Feeling accomplished? Not really. Because I failed in my lunges. But to be able to hear someone say good things (honest or not) is good enough for me. It will be better. 

Making new friends yet? Not really. But I'm glad to be able to hear and talk about something else besides being a mommy & my kid this, my kid that. The smell of sweat or when your chest hurts from the speed of your heartbeat rising felt good. Though I was dying, but it is a good dying feeling. Hahahahahahahaha! Okay, okay. I did feel a slight accomplishment. I did something I was in love with. Dancing. And putting a smile seeing other people of different ages & race dancing their way. 

It's just the first class. But, shucks! Next week class is cancel. And I can't attend Tuesday classes cause of the timing. Boo.

Next, I'm planning to register for the gym that is sitting in front of my apartment. And perhaps hire a trainer. Or should I just join the Thai Kickboxing instead? I think I am secretly liking boxing. Hate the UFC or anything in the ring fight, but I don't mind learning it. Because I remembered having so much of fun & adrenaline rush when I first joined LesMills' BodyCombat in Shanghai. But back then, I didn't feel this ache. How come?!

Oh, I showered. Pat on me back. And watch less TV too. Well done. But - *silence* I still check my phone. 

It's going somewhere. Not feeling shit this week. Good positive vibes. Yes!

Now, I need to Google why I have no more strength after my pregnancy. Need to regain my strength & stamina. I may be fat, but I used to be fit. And I will get my mojo back.

Keeping Things Positive

Today. Woke up feeling better than yesterday. Cried out loud last night. In front of the TV. Feeling the relieved.

Read some online bloggers about how to keep positive and stay in the game. Helped me picked up myself again. But my inner thought knows very well that it will be just temporary. Can virtual support actually be a real support to me? Or human to human contact impacts best? 

Well, I can't really answer that, because I myself haven't had any human to human support besides my husband. I mean, I don't make friends here. I'm kind of tired trying to make new friends. I just want to make a friend that instantly clicked and we are BFF for till we move to another country again. 

Speaking of making friends, it ain't that easy to make friends. You are definitely trying to find a friend who is like your soul mate. I'm so going to remind my daughter that, she needs to make good friends while shes in school & uni days, because honestly, making good friends after that stage, it ain't that easy. And being me who is super friendly and easy going, I've become a sob, sad & stupid person who lost her "Let's be friends" friendly-touched. *sigh*

Notes taken from the blogs I read to prevent from being depressed. And my explanation on why I am depressed or just plain lazy.

1. Shower.

• I have realized that this is a real problem for me. I don't shower often. Like I don't have a reason to shower, because I know my days will be at home all the time and I will get dirty anyways, so why bother shower. It becomes pointless to me. Plus, ever since we lived in NZ and money is pretty tight, I shower less. Less shower means less using electricity for hot water, means less money to pay for power bill.
• And when I know I have the time to shower (like now while I'm blogging - I'm stinky, by the way) I would rather do other things. For instance, I realized, I had some time to blog, as I was doing the dishes just now and preparing food for AA's lunch & husbands lunch. And since both of them are still taking their naps, I decided to blog. Instead of showering. Does this happen to other mothers out there? Or is it just me? Cause if its just me, than I consider myself a f***ing lazy bitch. I would rather do other things, than showering. Because if I shower, means I will be active, fresh and ready for the day. In which, I don't look up too anymore. Because, it is going to be the same day as yesterday. Doing the same thing. No one to tell me, "You look so fresh and that's a nice top you are wearing." No one.

2. Stop watching TV. OK fine. Less. Less TV.

• This is definitely one of my weakness. I can't stand the silence. Even in my own home. Cause I get annoyed when something gets so quite. My mind is constantly thinking, and having the TV on makes my mind stop thinking. 
• I need the TV on to let my kid stop coming to me. When I'm in the middle of prepping or cooking or doing the laundry or just want to be around her without her coming to me. Like, you can hang around me, but just go about do your own thing without disturbing me. (Gosh, I sound so cruel. I love you, baby girl.) But I hope you mommies feel me on this. Oh, please don't judge me.
• Even feeding her on the high chair. I get tired the whole day doing the same freaking routine, I just don't want to talk to her or be the 'The Entertainer' to get her to eat. Yes, I am practicing the 'Baby-Led-Weaning' method, and yes it works, but the after mess gets me sometimes, so I rather feed her with the spoon instead, for lesser mess. Therefore TV is on, baby sits still, I feed her in peace, clean up in a swift. Done. Next.

3. Less FB, Twitter & Instagram. OK. Let's just say less VIRTUAL, more REALITY.

• I did start this habit since hubby & I was in China. Because we can't access most of the apps, we end up surviving without it & by then I was pregnant with my daughter too. There are days where I don't check my FB. Stop reading peoples' bitching status or viral post. I rarely post photos on FB too. Only post when I miss my family or they asked about us. Mostly photos of AA. It's not that bad, you know. 
• I don't Twitter anymore. Good. 
• INSTAGRAM. Gah! This app is addictive. And it is killing me. Because I know IG post are all fake & make-do for it to be perfect and I get so caught up by it or jealous or envious or inspired (that's supposed to be good right?). A SAHM with a successful business. A SAHM mom with a body like she didn't have 4 kids. Or people who go out for coffee, having their make up done, wearing clothes that is so fashionable, being a chic hijabster, etc. Like nothing is wrong. All is well. How can I not be depressed. It's all bullshit, ain't it. How come I'm not one of them. I must be very, very, very unlucky! And because of that, I now have 2 accounts. That's why I have a new account base on food I cook or eat out. Making food as a hobby, I say. Hey, it's a hobby. It is listed in this list. Scroll below. 

4. Plan ahead. Schedule, schedule, schedule.

• I've got to say. This "Plan Ahead" or "Get Organized" is bull to me. I tried this when my daughter was born. Told myself, "Wake up at 7am, shower, by 8am, she will be awake, play with her, feed her, then shower her, feed her again, play with her and she will definitely sleep after at 10am." Bullshit. There are days, she wakes up way before me because the sound of my room door squeaks so loudly. Then, shower takes 30mins to 1 hour because my 'mak bidan' told me to take my time, scrubbing my skin, to heal my vjay-jay cut, and when I had to shit and and having constipation, it will take hours! Don't ask me to explain the horror or fear of shitting. All I can say, it didn't work for me at the beginning.
• I know planning is good. It's like an achievement. But sadly, we mothers don't get a pat on the back for doing any of those. "Well done, a Mom. You showered, breastfed, feed breakfast/lunch/dinner, changed diapers, clean the house, teach & play your kid. Here is $500 for your hard work today." *sigh* 
• I do make sure my daughter's routine is on track. Wakes up (at any time she wants to), breastfeed, breakfast, playtime, nap time, lunch time, playtime, breastfeed, nap time, dinner time, shower & get ready for her bedtime. Her routine is so organized, I don't know what to do when I have my own free time. Mostly I do is cleaning. Other days I just slumped down on the couch & stare at the TV. And wait for the time when my 'Mom Mode' is on again. 
• OK. Showering needs to be plan ahead. Shower before she wakes up every morning. MUST!

5. Have a hobby.

• I have hobbies. But most of them needs money or time. Time is so precious for me, I just want time to do nothing. Like stare at the TV or try to shower. I like dancing, but dancing cost money. I like doing design (I'm a qualified ID with a BA degree, who lost her touch) but designing needs to be full on. Okay, I'm not being positive here. I'm trying. I am trying to change my laziness. I like cooking & eating. But that will just add on to my weight. And it cost money.
• But I decided to go attend some dance classes, go look for some ID work online and cook healthy & eat better. 

6. Find ways to get sense of self accomplishment.

• I hope by joining the dance class, I will achieve something. For better & fitter health. And not talking about babies or mom life.

7. Clean everyday.

• I think I'm always cleaning in the kitchen. But I clean for God's sake! Because I clean so much, I get depressed. I end up feeling like a maid. That is not right. 

8. Get out of the house.

• Maybe I don't do this often. But then again, we do go out. Monday for AA's social class. And weekends around the city or out for lunch/dinner. But why am I still depressed. And I barely go out because it cost money. And again, our financial is tight. You go out, you want coffee. Or cakes. Or food. Or buy things. Or maybe because I'm always with my daughter & husband. Which leads me to the last list.

9. Make friends. Easy for one to say. Ps: Read what I wrote above.

• I think my only friend now is my daughter & husband. I miss having my goof friends around. Friends that I have made long time ago. I wish I was back home. So I don't have to bother making new ones. It's not easy. But I'm still trying. And still hoping. 

So there you have it. Some of the list I try to take into my life and practice to prevent me from going through this depression. And hope this post will help you mothers out there whose in the same roller coaster as me. One step at a time. I do feel slightly better writing this post down. It made me feel like a start to something. A project. Let's see if I am able to achieve this. Telling myself, even if there is no one out there to applaud me with this achievement, I know I'm doing this for myself. Cause I am an awesome women. 

Wrote this blog this afternoon. And took me whole day to finish it. Pausing in between because 'Mom-Mode' is on. Able to finish this blog because my daughter's asleep now and husband's off to work. And I took a shower just now (yeay!), instead of watching the TV after putting her to bed. The TV is still on though, but I only hear the background sound. I'm on the floor in the guestroom finishing this blog. And once done, I will eat my dinner and go to bed. Which is a not a healthy way to end the day, but I didn't have my dinner just now while taking care of my kid. One step at a time.

Here is 2 of the blogs I read to get inspired & motivated. Good luck mom's out there. We can do it!

Beating Depression as a SAHM

Banishing Stay at Home Mom Blues

This post says it all.

I stumbled upon this while doing some online surfing. And this post is what I'm going through now. Spot on. Trying my best to keep positive. Hoping for a better day tomorrow. 

But to those mom who are going through what I am going through, have a read. If you aren't sure what you're going through. Get what I mean..? We are not alone, mommies. 

http://www.abundantmama.com/isolated-mom/

Lonely

It's been 8 months since we made our moved to New Zealand. I enjoy living here so much. It's beautiful, people are friendly & helpful. The blue sky, green green grass, white fluffy cloud.. Everything is perfect here. 

But...

I feel somethings not right here. I am suddenly feeling empty. We went back to visit our family last week for 2 weeks. And it felt so good. Tiring, but good. Stressed. And wished it was longer so that we could've done more things. But grateful that we were able to go back.

As soon as we touched down Auckland, I feel this emptiness appear. Lonely. Yes, I have my baby girl & my beloved (bless you, my love) husband. But inside of me, I feel lonely.

Am I missing my family so much? Am I feeling alone because I don't have any friends here? Am I feeling shitty because I don't make money here? What am I to do, besides complaining & venting out in my blog?

Is there anyone out there going through what I am going through? 

I'm so afraid to do new things. Like joining a mommy group or get involved in activities. I keep thinking negative things like, "Shit, I need to ride the bus to go there. And to be with my kid, by myself, I don't think I can do it." Or, "How much will it cost? Cause I got no money." Or "Habibi's at home, what if he needs to eat?". 

In a way I'm so comfortable to be by myself, being a devoted domestic wife & mom, I will only feel save to go out if my husband is with me. Is this my nature? 

Or could it be because I am so sick & tired of making new friends? Or starting all over again? I'm more tired now since AA came into our life. I'm smellier now, untidy, messy, don't even shower for days, and I don't even know when will I be able to brush my teeth, let alone shave my armpit hair. 

I keep saying, after everyone is asleep, you do all those, but my brain just shuts down. Like my dumb-self appears and I refused to do anything but to have my dinner & watch TV. Read previous post.

I haven't even stepped into the dance studio I went to ask information before. Because my negative reply was, the timing wasn't right & how can we afford to pay the class. Because the money can be used for AA or home food or something better.

I've gained some weight & my body is no longer toned. I wanted to force-joined the gym which is just 'smacked-face' in-front of our place, but again financial will be a problem. 

Why do I always make myself go through this negativity in my whole freaking life. I am so negative to myself and till today I only know how to complain & cry. But nothing is done. 

Start a DIY, Zira. Start baking. Start with your brilliant idea on headgear turban. But all of it involves money. And we cant use the money we have at the moment for any of it, because we wont have enough later.

My glasses' needs to add power, but nope, I refused to make a new one or go get new lenses because it cost money. Same with my contact lenses. I even waited to go back Malaysia to have my hair cut. My toe is having a problem. I know there's a bone growing to the wrong direction that it's poking my nerve and maybe one day could damage my balance, but even though so, I have not seen any specialist feet/toe doctor. My daughter needs to be registered to a GP here, but nope, have not. 

What is wrong with me? 

Exhaustion.

I'm not complaining or saying my motherhood life sucks. I love being a mom. It's the greatest feeling ever. Especially when you see your child grow in front of you, doing things that you can't imagine a 1 year old can do. Disbelief that this 1 year old mimics me wearing a pair of shoe. And not her shoe, but mine!

But today, I'm just feeling sluggish, annoyed, pissed & mad. The sudden feeling of hate flows inside of me. I blame my "coming-soon" period.

Eversince we came back from our "balik kampung", my daughters been different. Of course routine has been changed due to our non-stop activity in Malaysia. Family & friends. And she's more spoiled now. And she refused to sleep by herself.

By 9pm, she's in bed. I would change her, feed her, on the Quranic reading on the MP3 and switch off the lights. She herself wants to go down in her cot. But this pass few days, she's screaming & crying & begging in her cot after I leave the room. & it annoys me. It makes me mad. Like it brings me back to the first few days when I want having my confinement at my moms.

This split personality of mine (which I hated so much & I thought I buried her) comes out again and hatred feeling arises back. Is my post-partum depression not over yet?

I just let her be in the bedroom. Let her cry out I know it seems cruel, but I rather be away from her than to be near her. I'm sorry baby.

Another thing. My routine is, after 9pm, baby is asleep. Then husband gets ready to work. And after he leaves to work, I have my dinner. It's late, but I look forward to this. Because that is when I am able to do what I want.

It's finally my me time. I eat and watch TV or watch online series. And I want to eat ugly or be ugly or just let go of the "super-mom" costume that I've been wearing the whole day.

So if my husband decided to linger around (because he woke up earlier & hangs around the house) I get annoyed. Because it is MY TIME. Yes, it's not all the time, but maybe I'm getting my period soon. PMS. If he lingers around means, I'll prepare my dinner later after he leaves. Means I will eat late & I will end up sleeping later. It ruins my routine. *sigh*

I'm just being a bitch now. I just need to vent. And because my husband was lingering around the house, I felt so bad asking him "What are you waiting for?" and he just left. So meaning, I'm typing this (due to me being annoyed) down & now I'm late to eat. My food is cold & my show is starting. Arrrghhhh..! Damn you PMS!

Another Melt Down.

I got my melt downs again. Feeling hopeless. Feeling shit. About not me being a mom, but me being a person on this earth. What am I contributing besides being a full time SAHM.

I feel shit because I'm not working. I'm not earning any cash. Using my husband's money to buy things. Well, kept reminding myself, those "things" are used for us family, anyways. It's not like I'm using his money to buy my own things. I don't even get to pay with his money because when we buy groceries or coffee or go out for brunch/dinner, it is he the one whose paying. So technically, I don't have any money to pay anything. Nope. No cash in hand. Just my walking hubby-bank when needed.

I felt like, when I was in school, where I asked my parents for some cash to buy my favourite books of Sweet Valley High or jewelries or go to the movies. I roughly ask for sum amount before able to buy them. If I didn't overused it for food, drinks or other 'not-in-the-list'. It limits me to buy what I want. So I feel shit. Real shit.

Kinda miss my working days, where you can buy what you want. Eventhough you know your limit because you got to pay back those damn credit cards. But, the feeling to be able to just enter a shop, pick an item & contemplate to buy it or not because you can. And you know that the money you earn is for you only. After you minus off all the priority savings, bills and sorts.

Being a SAHM is awesome because you get to see and experience and witness your baby growing up in front of you. Every single detailed from the time they burped or fart or say their first word. Best memory kept forever. But we don't earn anything from that. Not that I asked to be paid, because I chooses this life. But days like this, where I feel shitty, because I realized I'm just a human being, staying at home, taking care of a kid who will grow up, one day hating me for not allowing her to go for a party on a weekday or fight with me because I invade her privacy and many more (which I'm mentally preparing myself, even if my Lil'birdie is only one years old now - Hahahaha!) and I have done nothing to to get some money. And I depend on my man.

I guess I wanted to feel satisfied, achieved and successful if I earn some cash. Maybe it makes me feel important. I just want to earn some money for myself. So I can buy those handbags that I dream off or new clothes or a shampoo that I needed cause my hair now have flakes and ain't as lushes as it used to be. Or even a new bra. For my boobs changed from a perky teenager to a women to a mother who breastfeed to a saggy tits from all those breastfeeding.

Yes, my husband always tells me to inform him what I need, but the thing is, I know our budget. I know how much he earns and how much we have to pay for rent and those monthly bills and at the end of the day, I know how much we have to buy our needed groceries & maybe once or twice 'lepaking' at a cafe or dine in a restaurant for dinner.

You see, if we decided to eat out and have those mid-day coffees & desserts, chances are, we can't go for shopping. So its either or. Meaning either we go on a die-of-hunger for us to shop-till-we-drop, or we priorities on buying groceries to eat and survive. Gosh, I'm so dramatic here. Hahahaha!

But its true. It's either or. So that's why I feel shitty for I wish to get some extra money so I can just go "Oh, Habibi, I'm out out pantyliner, so I'm going out for a while to get them", rather than "Habibi, can I buy a pantyliner? Oh wait, we only have this this amount for this week. It's okay. I'll just use the tissue paper. Oh, wait! We're out of tissue paper. So, it's either tissue paper or the baby wipes. Shit."

Sigh.

I do wish I have money not just for myself. But would be nice that I can buy things for my baby girl. Just because. Or a gift for my husband. Just because. Or bring him for dinner or lunch or watch a movie. Just because. At least it will be a nice surprise compare to me asking him the money and he ask for what and I say it's a surprise. Don't think it's even a surprise because he knows that's his money I used.

I did those online surveys and I just got points. And nope. Not money. Then I did those online opinion thingy and apparently I'm not qualified for their needed opinion. Maybe because they sense I'm a loser SAHM. And selling things? I can do that, but why would I sell something to Malaysia from here where the currency exchange is ridiculous and postage cost is the same price or double of the item that I might be selling. I tried. But international postage from NZ is just crazy.

I was excited when I received a freelance job doing my Interior work. But that project is finished. I handout my drawings and just waiting for my last payment, in which I will end up using it paying my Malaysia mobile bill & insurances. And end up zero again. Now that the project is done deal, I'm waiting for my ID world to change my life again. Anyone needs a virtual personal design consultation? I'm available. I'm not good with 3D drawings, but I am good being a personal designer to help advice, make 2D drawings, mood boards, colour concept scheme and some basic technical drawings. Email me. *silent wind*

I wanted to continue doing my grandma's coconut jam but do far I have not discovered anyone selling duck eggs. I found a big farmer for ducks and emailed them, and they said they no longer sell them. I was so positive when I sent that email and told myself, yes it's going to be good. But when they replied it just crushed me down. There goes another dust of my hidden talent.

Gosh, I'm effing complaining. I'm so not grateful it seems. Everytime I read back what I wrote about how ducky my life is, I remind myself, "You're one ungrateful human being". Is this because I'm having my PMS soon? Or I'm just going through this money issue for a person who stopped working for 6 years? And now I'm more pressured because I'm a mother?

Another case of my miserable life is, everytime I get my time off as being a wife (hubby leaves work at 10pm) and a mom (AA sleeps at 9pm), I finally get to eat my peaceful dinner and sit down, watch some TV or surf the net and when I want to do something positive, for instance updating this blog, I get lazy or kept postponing it. And when later comes it's almost 2am and I need to get my sleep because in the next 5-6 hours, AA will wake up and the mom job mode mode is ON. And 10am is wife mode ON.

I started typing this while I was pooing for god's sake! I needed to vent out. Cause I feel so empty, feel like a loser, hopeless, nothing. I can't seem to be focus to do anything after my wife/mom job ends at night. All I want to do is eat, scratch my bum or tummy, eat junk, watch TV or online TV, and shut down my brain.

Speaking of shut down my brain, it doesn't. Because even if I'm acting all "Aaah, my wife/mom job is done for the day", my brain is still working. Because it's planning for tomorrow's job. Baby's bottle needs to be washed to fill new water, breakfast menu for baby and husband. Then plan for lunch. Then think about those delays insurances not paid, or money owed to the parents. Or when is our shipment of things from China is arriving? Need to remind hubby to email. Shit, need to register AA & myself to the GP and get her vaccinated. So on and on and on.

And I do this while watching TV or eating. Or sit down and stare at the blinds. And wished that the blinds are slightly darker colour or maybe white would be better to make the living room bigger. And when I'm about to sleep, I cry myself because I am a miserable, hopeless, SAHM & wife. And nobody give me a pat on the shoulder to say good job for it, because nobody sees it. Except my husband. Who doesn't know how to show appreciation. He loves me yes. But he just doesn't know how to.

OK. I got to go. I'm about to bawl my eyes out again. Goodnight.

How time flies.

I barely blog about our life in China. It was kinda hard to get hold of the "freedom" of using the internet. Had to get a VPN access to be able to serve YouTube or even Facebook. 

Now, we are in New Zealand, freedom it is. A new place, a new life. Hoping that this new nomadic adventure of ours stays longer. Here's to a better family life for AA. 

In 5 more days, our lil' birdie will be 1 years old. Have time pass that fast?! I can't bare to look at all the photos I took of her. Cause I surely will be in tears as I can't imagine I was and am able to go through this new life. Ya Allah. I did it. I managed to keep my baby alive for 1 year. HAHAHAHAHA! Okay, I sounded cruel. Joke aside. 

And I love this month so much because not only I get to celebrate my baby's yearly birthday, I get to also celebrate our yearly anniversary too! Super excited. This Sunday, to be exact. 6 years. Married. Has it been 6 years?! OMG. After typing down the number '6', I was blown away. Amazing. I married to the best partner ever. Thank you, Ya Allah. Oh, thank you.

So here's to both. Aana Aisha & my baker husband, Mohd. Iqwan Shah.

Auckland with a Baby

4th July 2016, we left to Auckland. Flight was around 9pm. So it was perfect. Got all our things needed just to get settled down here. Packed enough for AA's daily used. And the 10 hour plus flight was a blessed one because she was in a very, very, very good behavior. 1 or 2 crying (more to being mengada-ngada), but most of it, she was asleep. I did my bookings online & did our check in too. So I managed to pick the right seats with the bassinet wall in front of us.

I hate sitting in the middle 4 row area, and prefer the 2 seats next to the window because I am fully breastfeeding & I feel that it gives me more privacy then sitting at the 4 seat row. So if you plan to fly with a baby & BF on board, try to get the 2 seats next to window by buying the seats earlier or online check-in prior 48 hours before your flight (AND praying that no one book that seat yet) or go the the counter and request to change seat and be lucky.

I did my research about flying with a baby. Some goes over-board with over-packing things for lil' bub. Extra clothes, extra toys, extra this & that. But I choose to pack less.

1. CLOTHES

Since our flight is at night, I only packed 2 extra baby clothes because AA will be sleeping most of the time, therefore she wont be puking or making a mess to her clothes that needs changing. She is, at that time, just started eating solid. So I decided not to feed her solid on the journey and just kept giving her my milk direct when she gets cranky.

2. TOYS

Just bring what your lil' bub's favorite toy or toys. Because most of the time AA is sleeping & she won't be playing any of it. I wore a necklace for her to bite, brought her Sophie giraffe, and some rattles. And TIPS, keep all the toys in a Ziplock bag or if you're like me, I bought some plastic see-through bag from Daiso and kept all them toys in it, so that its easy for me to search when she's starting to make her noise engine. If your baby likes to play with the IPad, then that's good enough to keep them entertained. By the time we were almost arriving Auckland, AA woke up & end up 'kepoh' looking at people & playing with her papa. Perfect timing.

3. DIAPERS

Okay. So if you know how your baby's bowel movement like me, than you don't need to pack the whole bag. I think I brought about 5 in my diaper bag & another extra 3 in my husband's carry on. But I think we only used like 2. Because before we board in the plane, I changed her then, the on plan fed her and she slept & when she woke up, changed her. And by the time we wanted to change her again,  it's touch down. So we changed her after we exit the plane. And also feed her.

I think that's about it. Flying with a baby is actually not that bad. Or, I can't say, because every baby is different. There were other babies on board and them parents did had trouble. Maybe due to air pocket or the babies can't stay still. But all and all, I'm very happy that AA was a good baby on air. Even when we flew for the first time to Shanghai after I gave birth, she was doing so well. Thank you, my Lil' birdie.

PS : always hydrate your baby. Or them to suck on a pacifier or breast. I think that helped AA fly and sleep well. She is the 'suck thumb' kinda baby.

Good luck to parents who was thinking of flying with a baby. Don't get all panicky (like I did). Cause at the end of the day, it may-be turning out OKAY.

PSS: We didn't have a stroller, so not sure on how the process is with it. Wearing my baby may also be a part of why AA behaved so well.

Again, good luck!

It's Never Easy.

I feel so embarrassed to ask them. But this is my only option. This is my second time asking for help. I feel ashamed. But I need their help. As a daughter, I hope they don't feel I'm using. I don't ask for help much. But, I don't want to burden my husband's worries. Gosh. Living here is a challenge, financially.

But we will go through it. It will be okay.

It will. I have faith in Him.

Adding a Number.

Adding a number to my age. Gosh! Again, I've gone missing. For a long effing years. I kept telling myself, blog up, women, blog up. But either I'm effing lazy that i refuse to blog or i just got things to do. Hastag alasan.

This is updates. The only time I blog, it's always updates, updates & updates. And when I ope my blog space on my lappy, I end up straying away, engrossed in my phone returning messages in Whatsapp, or checking my Insta, or scrolling on music to play on my Beats. Looking at the time, it's prayer time or I have to cook dinner cause Habibi's coming home from work. 

So I told myself, "Women, you got to get this done. You have to start back what you used to do. Stop postponing & giving shit loads of alasan." *Knuckles cracked* Let's do this.

I am Azira. A mother of 1 to lil' birdie Aana Aisha. No. It's not An-na. It's Aa-na. And no, there is no 'h' at the end of Aisha, or 'y' in between Aisha. We like it that way & we want our daughter's future boyfriends or husband (singular) to make a mistake with her name spelling so that he will forever remember that our daughter is special. Hence name spell check. 

I started blogging (THIS BLOG) since 2011. After I got married and started to live a nomadic wife life following my husband and his bread passion. I blogged a lot when we stayed in Hong Kong. Maybe because I didn't have much things to do back then, plus newly married and so in love. Waiting at home like a love struck puppy and sleep a lot. HAHAHAHAHA!

But I picked up cooking. I love cooking. But never able to do much in my younger days because me mom don't like us messing her kitchen. Besides cooking, I'm a freak for cleaning. I clean and re-arrange furniture a lot of time till it satisfy me. So much of not doing nothing, I end up (yes, the blogging) making business by selling H&M clothes online. Malaysia back then didn't have H&M. So i did get some buyers. 

And then a year has gone by. So long Hong Kong. Habibi got a new job offer. And from there, we flew 6389 km to Bahrain. Yes, I Googled the distance. 

Bahrain, ah.. Land of Halal & brothers/sisters of my own religion walk about in peace. Not all. Yes, it's Halal. I don't mind to live there when I'm old and maybe retired. Cause it's like living in Malaysia. Except you see Arabs instead. No. You see loads of Filipinos. & Indian Kerala. Where's the Arabs you ask? Maybe in Malaysia. Or London. Somewhere. 

Peace? Yes, it is a nice place to live. Because of their beaches, sea & cool winter & hot summer. But the men, as I remembered, is so gatal! I do get lustful looks and stare from them (Indians most of it) at their market or Souk. Why? I have no freaking idea. Even I'm all covered (sometimes I wear the purdah) and wore all black albaya, still they stare with horny-ness. Must've be the 'kambing' they eat everyday. Ish. So gatal. Urgh. Gatal!

If you're unlucky, you get days when the Shia's buat hal. By burning tires or start a fire in a oil drum tank or home made bombs thrown in the middle of the highway. And boo, traffic. Cars drive by like "Ohh, that's nothing. Another Shia buat hal day.. Move along.." Sigh. Islam pun bergaduh antara puak-puak. Macam manalah dunia nak aman. Hanya boleh geleng kepala je. 

In Bahrain, I taught kids dancing. I taught traditional dancing. Though I suck and have no experience or any idea about traditional Malay dancing. But, thank you YouTube! Them kids perform for the embassy. We enter some competition, perform for the King and others. I enjoyed it very much. But sucks cause I didn't have a car back then & I had to wait for people to tumpang and hantar balik. Or paid a driver to do so. I even taught the mothers some Line Dancing. And made my bucks from that. And the best thing is, since I love cooking, baking and making food, I self taught myself to make my grandma's kaya (coconut jam) & made a business by selling it. Ah... I miss doing that. 

And the most awesome memory living in Bahrain was, we adopted Nincompoop Al Juffair. My beloved cat. Now living happily and free from kene marah from me with my parents in Malaysia. I'm glad you like living there, Poop. I hope you Doakan your human father & me to Jannah akhirat nanti. 

After a year in Bahrain, did our Umrah (Alhamdulillah, thank you Ya Allah), Habibi got another job offer. And back to packing. 6821 km away, we end up in Shanghai, China. And that's when I stopped blogging. I did some Vlog. But didn't pursue it further. Takde confident kot. Maybe. We left Nincompoop in Malaysia. Poor cat had to fly by himself in a cargo flight 18 hours. Sob sob. And we were in Mekah doing our Umrah. The horror and uneasy feeling I was going through. 

Shanghai, China. I couldnt believe my own self that we end up in China. Because I remembered telling Habibi, when we took the train trip to Shenzhen & Guangzhou while we were living in Hong Kong, that he SHALL NOT work in China, cause it's filthy dirty & their people are just so low minded.

Nope.

Hey, Shanghai! Fast-forward, 3 years & half later, we survived in China. And I've got to say (honestly) we missed Shanghai. Maybe because we have adapted to their lifestyle & is way safer than Bahrain. People stare at you because I wear the hijab but other than that, you just do your own effing thing. Do whatever and no one cares. Because it's China. And maybe most, we missed our friends we made there. I think this is the tightest I have ever made living away from my own homeland. 

Shout out! You guys know who you are..

There. A long snippets of what's left from my last blog. Updated September 18 2015! LOL!!! Shiaaat. 

Yesterday, dated 01.08.2016, I turned 33. And I am in a new location. Continuing our nomadic life. So blessed cause kami dikurniakan dengan seorang anak perempuan. A baby girl that suits our nomadic life. Constantly moving. She's easy to take care. Clingy sloth. But a hardcore baby flying jet-setter. 

To many more number added to my age. 

Here's to Auckland, New Zealand. Here's to the new location. And here's to a better life. Maybe we stay here longer? Who knows. InsyaAllah. We never know what Allah's plan. But we have to always be grateful with what He give and what He takes back.

Happy birthday to me. May Auckland, New Zealand gives us enough sustenance, love & happiness.

And I hope to make friends. Again. I keep kumpul-ing friends all over, huh. Guess, I'm lucky just like that. Amin.

Signing off,
The Mrs. - Me.

Halal with Company.

This was supposed to be posted in Oct 2013. Didn't know I had it on draft for soooooo long. Hahahahahaha! Anyways, this is us with Habibi's colleagues. Well, most of them are from the pastry department. I think all of them are. 

This restaurant is Halal, by the way. Not sure of the name of the restaurant. It's called Xinjiang Beauty. It's very easy for Muslims to find Halal food/restaurant if its from the Uyghur or Xinjiang province. Majority this kind of restaurants serves halal meat, but don't be surprised that they do serve alcohol too.

Insya'Allah, it's halal. Well, them colleagues was very sure of it when they did the reservations. May Allah protect us. Their menus are with photos and yes, are in Chinese/English. It's just that you might laugh out loud with their "direct" translation. 

Address: 

Gu Li Xian Restaurant. 

3F, 601 Zhang Yang Lu, 

Ba Bai Ban, Pudong,Shanghai. 

Metro Line 9, Shangcheng Road Station (Light Blue)

2 blocks after No: 1 Yaohan Nextage, New Shanghai Shopping Centre & Sanxin World Mansion building.

(It's in the building where one can see McDonalds, Dairy Queen, Pudong Food Mall, Papa John's. Enter after Dairy Queen's store. There is a door where one can see loads of biscuits, bakery, sweets vendor. Go up using the escalator. I think there is a lift but since the place looks kind of run down, it was pretty, pretty scary to use the lift. Eeeek!)

Apologies.

I've been away. Well, after my last post which was last year in September 2013, the place that we are currently staying (which gives us the access to free wifi/internet) changed their VPN settings due to some unwanted authorities from the government doing some inspection to block some certain apps. Like, what-ever! 

*sigh*

Anyways, put aside that, I finally managed to get my hands back on my blogging! Ok, ok, I'll admit, Apple saves our life. There. Bought our first Apple IPad Air in Spain this year cause we were so desperate for not being able to use Facebook, Google, Twitter or even read blogs! 

Why, China. Why...! Weisheme?!!

So, here's to updating my blog! Life now? Still surviving our day to day life in Shanghai. Hehehehe! 

Hello back!

Rubberband + Neck?

I was in need of a DIY therapy. Saw a DIY rubber necklace from Rag to Couture's website. And I decided to get my hands on it. It looked very simple and easy to do, so that's why I took the challenge. Hehehehehe! Plus I needed a necklace to wear for that day. Got kinda bored with my old necklaces. Plus I couldn't bring all my jewelry from Malaysia to Shanghai. Because if I do, it'll be a luggage of it's own. Couldn't afford to beg my husband to pay for the extra luggage. I didn't have the heart too. He has done enough for me.

I don't know if I have given enough photo tutorial for you guys to see or have an idea of how to do it, but please check out Rags to Couture page for more detail. I used red & green for my tutorial, but I actually made mine in mustard color. Hehehehehehehe! Hope you guys understand my instructions.

I didn't follow 100% step by step from Rags to Couture tutorial. I changed a bit for the hooking part of the necklace. She uses a jump ring to close the 2 ends, but I used a paperclip to attach both ends. And I also used a lot of single loop, where I knot it (Green Rubber) more than the double loop (Red Rubber) which I only wanted enough to show it at my chest area. Reason being was, I didn't want to have more (Red Rubber) double loop near my neck's skin area cause afraid that it will give me rashes. So hoping that the single knot would do me justice. And so far, it did. :)

To start off, take 2 (Red) rubber band & pinched it. Use a single (Green) rubber band &
knot it around the double (Red) band. Pull (Green) band tight.

Pinch the (Red) band loop & insert 2 new (Red) band. Repeat for 21 times with the
(Red) band. Or till how long or short you want it to be. 

Use a paper clip to attach both ends. If you have a jump ring, it would be great too. Done!

I made one earlier in Mustard & Blue. And notice the single knot (Blue rubber band) used
for a longer necklace. And away from irritating my neck. :P

Good luck guys! And big THANK YOU to Madeleine (owner of Rags to Couture's blog) for inspiring me & my boring life. Now I have a new quirky necklace to fashion up my neck & chest! Jyeah! Hehehehehehehehehe!