Today. Woke up feeling better than yesterday. Cried out loud last night. In front of the TV. Feeling the relieved.
Read some online bloggers about how to keep positive and stay in the game. Helped me picked up myself again. But my inner thought knows very well that it will be just temporary. Can virtual support actually be a real support to me? Or human to human contact impacts best?
Well, I can't really answer that, because I myself haven't had any human to human support besides my husband. I mean, I don't make friends here. I'm kind of tired trying to make new friends. I just want to make a friend that instantly clicked and we are BFF for till we move to another country again.
Speaking of making friends, it ain't that easy to make friends. You are definitely trying to find a friend who is like your soul mate. I'm so going to remind my daughter that, she needs to make good friends while shes in school & uni days, because honestly, making good friends after that stage, it ain't that easy. And being me who is super friendly and easy going, I've become a sob, sad & stupid person who lost her "Let's be friends" friendly-touched. *sigh*
Notes taken from the blogs I read to prevent from being depressed. And my explanation on why I am depressed or just plain lazy.
1. Shower.
- I have realized that this is a real problem for me. I don't shower often. Like I don't have a reason to shower, because I know my days will be at home all the time and I will get dirty anyways, so why bother shower. It becomes pointless to me. Plus, ever since we lived in NZ and money is pretty tight, I shower less. Less shower means less using electricity for hot water, means less money to pay for power bill.
- And when I know I have the time to shower (like now while I'm blogging - I'm stinky, by the way) I would rather do other things. For instance, I realized, I had some time to blog, as I was doing the dishes just now and preparing food for AA's lunch & husbands lunch. And since both of them are still taking their naps, I decided to blog. Instead of showering. Does this happen to other mothers out there? Or is it just me? Cause if its just me, than I consider myself a f***ing lazy bitch. I would rather do other things, than showering. Because if I shower, means I will be active, fresh and ready for the day. In which, I don't look up too anymore. Because, it is going to be the same day as yesterday. Doing the same thing. No one to tell me, "You look so fresh and that's a nice top you are wearing." No one.
2. Stop watching TV. OK fine. Less. Less TV.
- This is definitely one of my weakness. I can't stand the silence. Even in my own home. Cause I get annoyed when something gets so quite. My mind is constantly thinking, and having the TV on makes my mind stop thinking.
- I need the TV on to let my kid stop coming to me. When I'm in the middle of prepping or cooking or doing the laundry or just want to be around her without her coming to me. Like, you can hang around me, but just go about do your own thing without disturbing me. (Gosh, I sound so cruel. I love you, baby girl.) But I hope you mommies feel me on this. Oh, please don't judge me.
- Even feeding her on the high chair. I get tired the whole day doing the same freaking routine, I just don't want to talk to her or be the 'The Entertainer' to get her to eat. Yes, I am practicing the 'Baby-Led-Weaning' method, and yes it works, but the after mess gets me sometimes, so I rather feed her with the spoon instead, for lesser mess. Therefore TV is on, baby sits still, I feed her in peace, clean up in a swift. Done. Next.
3. Less FB, Twitter & Instagram. OK. Let's just say less VIRTUAL, more REALITY.
- I did start this habit since hubby & I was in China. Because we can't access most of the apps, we end up surviving without it & by then I was pregnant with my daughter too. There are days where I don't check my FB. Stop reading peoples' bitching status or viral post. I rarely post photos on FB too. Only post when I miss my family or they asked about us. Mostly photos of AA. It's not that bad, you know.
- I don't Twitter anymore. Good.
- INSTAGRAM. Gah! This app is addictive. And it is killing me. Because I know IG post are all fake & make-do for it to be perfect and I get so caught up by it or jealous or envious or inspired (that's supposed to be good right?). A SAHM with a successful business. A SAHM mom with a body like she didn't have 4 kids. Or people who go out for coffee, having their make up done, wearing clothes that is so fashionable, being a chic hijabster, etc. Like nothing is wrong. All is well. How can I not be depressed. It's all bullshit, ain't it. How come I'm not one of them. I must be very, very, very unlucky! And because of that, I now have 2 accounts. That's why I have a new account base on food I cook or eat out. Making food as a hobby, I say. Hey, it's a hobby. It is listed in this list. Scroll below.
4. Plan ahead. Schedule, schedule, schedule.
- I've got to say. This "Plan Ahead" or "Get Organized" is bull to me. I tried this when my daughter was born. Told myself, "Wake up at 7am, shower, by 8am, she will be awake, play with her, feed her, then shower her, feed her again, play with her and she will definitely sleep after at 10am." Bullshit. There are days, she wakes up way before me because the sound of my room door squeaks so loudly. Then, shower takes 30mins to 1 hour because my 'mak bidan' told me to take my time, scrubbing my skin, to heal my vjay-jay cut, and when I had to shit and and having constipation, it will take hours! Don't ask me to explain the horror or fear of shitting. All I can say, it didn't work for me at the beginning.
- I know planning is good. It's like an achievement. But sadly, we mothers don't get a pat on the back for doing any of those. "Well done, a Mom. You showered, breastfed, feed breakfast/lunch/dinner, changed diapers, clean the house, teach & play your kid. Here is $500 for your hard work today." *sigh*
- I do make sure my daughter's routine is on track. Wakes up (at any time she wants to), breastfeed, breakfast, playtime, nap time, lunch time, playtime, breastfeed, nap time, dinner time, shower & get ready for her bedtime. Her routine is so organized, I don't know what to do when I have my own free time. Mostly I do is cleaning. Other days I just slumped down on the couch & stare at the TV. And wait for the time when my 'Mom Mode' is on again.
- OK. Showering needs to be plan ahead. Shower before she wakes up every morning. MUST!
5. Have a hobby.
- I have hobbies. But most of them needs money or time. Time is so precious for me, I just want time to do nothing. Like stare at the TV or try to shower. I like dancing, but dancing cost money. I like doing design (I'm a qualified ID with a BA degree, who lost her touch) but designing needs to be full on. Okay, I'm not being positive here. I'm trying. I am trying to change my laziness. I like cooking & eating. But that will just add on to my weight. And it cost money.
- But I decided to go attend some dance classes, go look for some ID work online and cook healthy & eat better.
6. Find ways to get sense of self accomplishment.
- I hope by joining the dance class, I will achieve something. For better & fitter health. And not talking about babies or mom life.
7. Clean everyday.
- I think I'm always cleaning in the kitchen. But I clean for God's sake! Because I clean so much, I get depressed. I end up feeling like a maid. That is not right.
8. Get out of the house.
- Maybe I don't do this often. But then again, we do go out. Monday for AA's social class. And weekends around the city or out for lunch/dinner. But why am I still depressed. And I barely go out because it cost money. And again, our financial is tight. You go out, you want coffee. Or cakes. Or food. Or buy things. Or maybe because I'm always with my daughter & husband. Which leads me to the last list.
9. Make friends. Easy for one to say. Ps: Read what I wrote above.
- I think my only friend now is my daughter & husband. I miss having my goof friends around. Friends that I have made long time ago. I wish I was back home. So I don't have to bother making new ones. It's not easy. But I'm still trying. And still hoping.
So there you have it. Some of the list I try to take into my life and practice to prevent me from going through this depression. And hope this post will help you mothers out there whose in the same roller coaster as me. One step at a time. I do feel slightly better writing this post down. It made me feel like a start to something. A project. Let's see if I am able to achieve this. Telling myself, even if there is no one out there to applaud me with this achievement, I know I'm doing this for myself. Cause I am an awesome women.
Wrote this blog this afternoon. And took me whole day to finish it. Pausing in between because 'Mom-Mode' is on. Able to finish this blog because my daughter's asleep now and husband's off to work. And I took a shower just now (yeay!), instead of watching the TV after putting her to bed. The TV is still on though, but I only hear the background sound. I'm on the floor in the guestroom finishing this blog. And once done, I will eat my dinner and go to bed. Which is a not a healthy way to end the day, but I didn't have my dinner just now while taking care of my kid. One step at a time.
Here is 2 of the blogs I read to get inspired & motivated. Good luck mom's out there. We can do it!
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