Exhaustion.

I'm not complaining or saying my motherhood life sucks. I love being a mom. It's the greatest feeling ever. Especially when you see your child grow in front of you, doing things that you can't imagine a 1 year old can do. Disbelief that this 1 year old mimics me wearing a pair of shoe. And not her shoe, but mine!

But today, I'm just feeling sluggish, annoyed, pissed & mad. The sudden feeling of hate flows inside of me. I blame my "coming-soon" period.

Eversince we came back from our "balik kampung", my daughters been different. Of course routine has been changed due to our non-stop activity in Malaysia. Family & friends. And she's more spoiled now. And she refused to sleep by herself.

By 9pm, she's in bed. I would change her, feed her, on the Quranic reading on the MP3 and switch off the lights. She herself wants to go down in her cot. But this pass few days, she's screaming & crying & begging in her cot after I leave the room. & it annoys me. It makes me mad. Like it brings me back to the first few days when I want having my confinement at my moms.

This split personality of mine (which I hated so much & I thought I buried her) comes out again and hatred feeling arises back. Is my post-partum depression not over yet?

I just let her be in the bedroom. Let her cry out I know it seems cruel, but I rather be away from her than to be near her. I'm sorry baby.

Another thing. My routine is, after 9pm, baby is asleep. Then husband gets ready to work. And after he leaves to work, I have my dinner. It's late, but I look forward to this. Because that is when I am able to do what I want.

It's finally my me time. I eat and watch TV or watch online series. And I want to eat ugly or be ugly or just let go of the "super-mom" costume that I've been wearing the whole day.

So if my husband decided to linger around (because he woke up earlier & hangs around the house) I get annoyed. Because it is MY TIME. Yes, it's not all the time, but maybe I'm getting my period soon. PMS. If he lingers around means, I'll prepare my dinner later after he leaves. Means I will eat late & I will end up sleeping later. It ruins my routine. *sigh*

I'm just being a bitch now. I just need to vent. And because my husband was lingering around the house, I felt so bad asking him "What are you waiting for?" and he just left. So meaning, I'm typing this (due to me being annoyed) down & now I'm late to eat. My food is cold & my show is starting. Arrrghhhh..! Damn you PMS!