Lonely

It's been 8 months since we made our moved to New Zealand. I enjoy living here so much. It's beautiful, people are friendly & helpful. The blue sky, green green grass, white fluffy cloud.. Everything is perfect here. 

But...

I feel somethings not right here. I am suddenly feeling empty. We went back to visit our family last week for 2 weeks. And it felt so good. Tiring, but good. Stressed. And wished it was longer so that we could've done more things. But grateful that we were able to go back.

As soon as we touched down Auckland, I feel this emptiness appear. Lonely. Yes, I have my baby girl & my beloved (bless you, my love) husband. But inside of me, I feel lonely.

Am I missing my family so much? Am I feeling alone because I don't have any friends here? Am I feeling shitty because I don't make money here? What am I to do, besides complaining & venting out in my blog?

Is there anyone out there going through what I am going through? 

I'm so afraid to do new things. Like joining a mommy group or get involved in activities. I keep thinking negative things like, "Shit, I need to ride the bus to go there. And to be with my kid, by myself, I don't think I can do it." Or, "How much will it cost? Cause I got no money." Or "Habibi's at home, what if he needs to eat?". 

In a way I'm so comfortable to be by myself, being a devoted domestic wife & mom, I will only feel save to go out if my husband is with me. Is this my nature? 

Or could it be because I am so sick & tired of making new friends? Or starting all over again? I'm more tired now since AA came into our life. I'm smellier now, untidy, messy, don't even shower for days, and I don't even know when will I be able to brush my teeth, let alone shave my armpit hair. 

I keep saying, after everyone is asleep, you do all those, but my brain just shuts down. Like my dumb-self appears and I refused to do anything but to have my dinner & watch TV. Read previous post.

I haven't even stepped into the dance studio I went to ask information before. Because my negative reply was, the timing wasn't right & how can we afford to pay the class. Because the money can be used for AA or home food or something better.

I've gained some weight & my body is no longer toned. I wanted to force-joined the gym which is just 'smacked-face' in-front of our place, but again financial will be a problem. 

Why do I always make myself go through this negativity in my whole freaking life. I am so negative to myself and till today I only know how to complain & cry. But nothing is done. 

Start a DIY, Zira. Start baking. Start with your brilliant idea on headgear turban. But all of it involves money. And we cant use the money we have at the moment for any of it, because we wont have enough later.

My glasses' needs to add power, but nope, I refused to make a new one or go get new lenses because it cost money. Same with my contact lenses. I even waited to go back Malaysia to have my hair cut. My toe is having a problem. I know there's a bone growing to the wrong direction that it's poking my nerve and maybe one day could damage my balance, but even though so, I have not seen any specialist feet/toe doctor. My daughter needs to be registered to a GP here, but nope, have not. 

What is wrong with me?