Should I Stop My Breastfeeding?

She's now, going to be 19 months old at the end of this 30th July. Today, as I marked my calendar, 27.07.2017, I decided not to nurse her for the first time. And she was okay. And it made me wonder. Sad. Confused. Guilty. Selfish. And just sad. 

I didn't want to nurse her tonight, cause I'm having the bad cramps. Period is coming soon I guess. (Period is kinda 4 days late, women.) Man, do I sound like a selfish-bitch for not giving my daughter her night feed today, just because I'm having the PMS mood swings. 

But then again, she's didn't ask for it. She hasn't been asking for milk for quite a while, actually. I just realized, that every night, it is me or my husband, who asked her if she wants milk. It's like we are asking her to make a decision. And sometimes, she ignores me, but up till I show her my boobs, only then she gets all excited, liked it's a gift. So whats does that tells you? She wants it, or doesn't need to want it..? 

She is not the kind of toddler who touches my breast for milk. Or begs. Or cries out. Or pulls down or up my clothes. Cause I made it a routine for her. Like she knows, she will get her milk. From beginning, she drinks every 1 hour, giving me hell of time, not enough sleep. Then finally gets into the 8 times a day, to 6 times to 4 time and around 15/16 months of, she's only having 1 nurse. Every night, I will ask her and she will drink it. Is it a force? I mean, she takes it when given. But she doesn't ask for it. She wasn't cranky either. Just now, I casually zip up her sleep sack, switch off the table light and put her down in her cot, she was all okay. Does it mean, she's ready to wean?

But, I'm feeling sad. And guilty because I know the main reason I didn't want to feed her tonight was because of my PMS swings. The cramps is making me annoyed out of everything. But now, I'm sad. If it is, that she is ready to wean, I will miss this so badly. I've been doing it for 1 year 7 months! And I didn't have a good start with her in the beginning, but being a stubborn mule, I refused to stop back then. I was so determined to continue, even after a lot of hiccups, anger, fight, frustration, crying and arguing and don't mentioned about the PAIN, but I kept on going and going. And tonight, Thursday 27.07.2017, I did not nurse her. *SOBS!*

I don't know what or how to feel. Or I don't know what I'm feeling now. It's like, part of me is saying, "You selfish bitch, go feed her!". And the other part is "Maybe it's time. It'll be okay." Should I feed her? Oh, dear. 

I told my husband and hoping to help me ease my worrisome, and he, (oh,simple mind a man can be), said, "If she cries later, feed her." - Yup. Just. Like. That. Done. Why, thanks husband dearest. Guess, you just know what to say at the right time. Weaning is really "NOT" effecting me. And how "this thing" is a NO BIG DEAL to me. Whoop-pi!

*sigh* Damn you, PMS. 

These are my thoughts now. I have to write it down. Because I can't keep it to myself, and telling my husband just now, didn't really help me out with my confusion.

1. But, it's supposed to be for 2 years. Its not 2 years yet! I still got 5 more months to go! 
2. But she doesn't drink cows milk. She needs my milk to get her growing! Even if I know I'm giving her enough nutritious solid food, but my milk is the most important. And she only drinks my milk 1 time before bed. And now it stops?
3. Why isn't she asking for milk anymore? She don't need me anymore?
4. Am I not producing enough? But I always see milk dripping at my nipples after her feed.
5. Won't she be hungry?
6. Won't my boobs sore and get bloated because my boobs are so used to her feeding before bed?
7. But, I will miss my bond with her. I will miss her annoying me while I feed her.

Why do I feel bad. Why do I feel sad about this. It's good, right, if she herself weans on her own. I should be happy, right? I get to keep my boobs to myself now. 

Oh, dear. Now I'm crying because she didn't need to nurse just now. I seriously need to sort out my PMS now. It's not making it easier for me. 

ps: I feel my boobs producing the milk. Should I feed her? Will it get sore? 

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

What am I to do?