It Came Back.

I guess everytime I'm nearing my menstrual period, my emotions is incontroble & my mood just snaps at everything that annoys me. I get that lonely again, feeling hopeless, useless & 'everyone-else-is-doing-better-than-me' feeling.

And his the closest to me, so he gets the first hit. I hate this. I hate that it keeps coming even when I felt like, "Hey, it's better now."

What triggers it? What? When days that financial is shit, I kept my cool & kept reminding myself, "Alhamdulillah. Be grateful. Alhamdulillah."

But this month, it came back & I blame myself for those words I regret because I sound so ungrateful.

Why am I not rich? I am actually poor & things around me tells me I am. Because I kept asking my husband to buy what 'I want.'

This depression roller coaster is killing me.

When It's about Him. I Trembled.

I hate to know that someone complains of comments or talk about him to me. It's like I failed to make him what he wants to be. I failed as a friend, partner & wife. But I am also feeling appreciative to know of this. Because one can't grow to be a better person without failing.

Maybe it's for the best. But then again, suddenly I felt lost of what I want him to be. *sigh*. What's happening? Is it the age that's making us going through this? Feeling failure. Oh, gosh. Life as an adult is sometimes scary.

I can do this. We can do this. He will learn. InsyaAllah.

Broken Tears.

It's been a long time. I made him cry today. 6th Oct 2017. It must've been very hard for him. I must've made him feel that way. And I feel shit. Because of me, he cried. I've broken his heart. In a way, I made him let go of that male, egoist & I can't handle it, man. I'm sorry, my love. I hate to see you cry. And I know, if you cry, it means that you just can't handle it.

The last time I heard & saw you cry was 10 years ago. And that was because, you were alone in the States & it was your first time to leave everything you love behind. And I cried so hard seeing you cry. Like I couldn't protect you.

And today, because I couldn't control my fear, anger, hatred, emotional, I shouted at you & saying things that doesn't support you, nagging you, pushed you down, made you feel more shit, yet you hugged me so tight, and say everything will be alright. And you cried because I made you feel like I've stop supporting you.

I feel shit. I'm sorry, my love. I lost it. I didn't mean to make you cry & feel worthless. You are my bestest friend & I promised 11 years ago, to support you & make you somebody & proof to all of them who looked down on you & made you feel like you're nobody.

Sometimes I forget who I am. And didn't realized what I say. I'm sorry. It's hard to hit bottom. And my fear creeps on me. And it got the worst of me. And I made you feel like you've done such a crappy job as a husband & father. I'm sorry.

The girl who supported you back then, is still there for you. Despite the roller coaster in life that we are now (finally) facing, arguments & fights & shouts & cries, I will always & forever support you. You are the bestest friend I can ever have, loving husband any wife can ask for & a great father our daughter could grow up with. You are amazing, my love.

I'm sorry I made you break down & cry. I take the blame for it. Forgive me.

Should I Stop My Breastfeeding?

She's now, going to be 19 months old at the end of this 30th July. Today, as I marked my calendar, 27.07.2017, I decided not to nurse her for the first time. And she was okay. And it made me wonder. Sad. Confused. Guilty. Selfish. And just sad. 

I didn't want to nurse her tonight, cause I'm having the bad cramps. Period is coming soon I guess. (Period is kinda 4 days late, women.) Man, do I sound like a selfish-bitch for not giving my daughter her night feed today, just because I'm having the PMS mood swings. 

But then again, she's didn't ask for it. She hasn't been asking for milk for quite a while, actually. I just realized, that every night, it is me or my husband, who asked her if she wants milk. It's like we are asking her to make a decision. And sometimes, she ignores me, but up till I show her my boobs, only then she gets all excited, liked it's a gift. So whats does that tells you? She wants it, or doesn't need to want it..? 

She is not the kind of toddler who touches my breast for milk. Or begs. Or cries out. Or pulls down or up my clothes. Cause I made it a routine for her. Like she knows, she will get her milk. From beginning, she drinks every 1 hour, giving me hell of time, not enough sleep. Then finally gets into the 8 times a day, to 6 times to 4 time and around 15/16 months of, she's only having 1 nurse. Every night, I will ask her and she will drink it. Is it a force? I mean, she takes it when given. But she doesn't ask for it. She wasn't cranky either. Just now, I casually zip up her sleep sack, switch off the table light and put her down in her cot, she was all okay. Does it mean, she's ready to wean?

But, I'm feeling sad. And guilty because I know the main reason I didn't want to feed her tonight was because of my PMS swings. The cramps is making me annoyed out of everything. But now, I'm sad. If it is, that she is ready to wean, I will miss this so badly. I've been doing it for 1 year 7 months! And I didn't have a good start with her in the beginning, but being a stubborn mule, I refused to stop back then. I was so determined to continue, even after a lot of hiccups, anger, fight, frustration, crying and arguing and don't mentioned about the PAIN, but I kept on going and going. And tonight, Thursday 27.07.2017, I did not nurse her. *SOBS!*

I don't know what or how to feel. Or I don't know what I'm feeling now. It's like, part of me is saying, "You selfish bitch, go feed her!". And the other part is "Maybe it's time. It'll be okay." Should I feed her? Oh, dear. 

I told my husband and hoping to help me ease my worrisome, and he, (oh,simple mind a man can be), said, "If she cries later, feed her." - Yup. Just. Like. That. Done. Why, thanks husband dearest. Guess, you just know what to say at the right time. Weaning is really "NOT" effecting me. And how "this thing" is a NO BIG DEAL to me. Whoop-pi!

*sigh* Damn you, PMS. 

These are my thoughts now. I have to write it down. Because I can't keep it to myself, and telling my husband just now, didn't really help me out with my confusion.

1. But, it's supposed to be for 2 years. Its not 2 years yet! I still got 5 more months to go! 
2. But she doesn't drink cows milk. She needs my milk to get her growing! Even if I know I'm giving her enough nutritious solid food, but my milk is the most important. And she only drinks my milk 1 time before bed. And now it stops?
3. Why isn't she asking for milk anymore? She don't need me anymore?
4. Am I not producing enough? But I always see milk dripping at my nipples after her feed.
5. Won't she be hungry?
6. Won't my boobs sore and get bloated because my boobs are so used to her feeding before bed?
7. But, I will miss my bond with her. I will miss her annoying me while I feed her.

Why do I feel bad. Why do I feel sad about this. It's good, right, if she herself weans on her own. I should be happy, right? I get to keep my boobs to myself now. 

Oh, dear. Now I'm crying because she didn't need to nurse just now. I seriously need to sort out my PMS now. It's not making it easier for me. 

ps: I feel my boobs producing the milk. Should I feed her? Will it get sore? 

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

What am I to do?

ID-less. Mother-more.

Ever since I chose to become a wife & now a mom, I realized my ID life is slowly disappearing. I have no sense of design or my brain just don't 'design-function' anymore. Or maybe, I have been a designer-less person all this while. Maybe I don't have any design taste at all. 

I mean, look at all the places I've lived. In Hong Kong, Bahrain, Shanghai. And now in New Zealand. My house looks like I am not a designer or studied ID or even have experienced working in this field. But then again, most of them are furnished and I can only add in things. *paused to think*

I'm beginning to doubt about myself, am I good in design. I think, I'm shit. I got no sense of flair, taste, design or ideas. I guess, I'm only good at talking. Talking shit.

I get jelly when I go on YouTube and see people talk or design and built spaces. I've always dreamt of doing what they are doing, but why is luck not on my side? I can do it, but it cost money and I, being a full-time SAHM, makes no money. And my husband makes enough money for us to pay rent, bills, diapers & food. And yeay! No savings. 

So it sucks. Because I get jealous of them. I ask myself, how come they get to do all that? Why is it so easy for them? Doesn't it cost money? How fortunate are them? How different can they be from me? I studied and work ID, but why can't I have what they do? 

I am not good in my 3D, nor do I can hand draw artistically. I don't even know if my taste in something is tasteful enough to others. And what I love, I myself, can't afford. Is there anyone out there having this same position as me? 

*sigh

Handling Everything.

Mentally exhausted just thinking of what needs to be done at home, and yet, nothing is done accordingly. I have so many things in my head to do. But why is it not happening?

I need to steam AA's veges so to prepare her lunch, because her breakfast wasn't filling & I didn't breastfeed her this morning because I am selfish thinking I will get hungry easily due to Ramadan fasting. I am so selfish. Am I?

I need to clean the house. Vacuum it because there are crumbs, hairs, bits of unknown pieces all over the carpet. And yet, I'm not doing it.

Our washed clothes are piled up on the ottoman for ages & every time I have my 'me-time' or a 'rest time', I don't use that time to fold them clothes. And it keeps piling and piling, because I keep washing and washing more clothes. Because washing in the washer is much easier to set the time & it does it's own magic. But sometimes, I forgot to take out the load out, and have to rewash them back because it stinks & I blame myself for using it because it means that I'm using more electricity, means higher bill this month to pay. And now it's coming to winter, the heater is on every night. And not during the day, where I bundle up my self with layers of clothes & sweaters & socks & poor daughter needs to do the same. 

At the moment, I know my daughter's vegetables is steamed enough because I'm staring at the pot while typing blindly, water boiling & pouring out from it, yet I am just too bloody lazy to go there & fix it or clean it. Because this is my 'me-time' & I want to blog this out, because if I don't, I will blow up and cry for nothing, because at THIS VERY MOMENT, I feel like a shitty mom. A shitty, lazy, unorganized mom & wife. 

I think, I'm just going to feed AA left over fish from last night, with butter, rice & those veges I'm steaming now. I bet she wont eat the vegetables. Because its bland & tasteless. Man, I feel like a shitty mom. 

I have to go buy tickets online to see my sister in Aussie for Raya. But to purchase online, I need to use my credit card, which is working wonderfully, but only if, I am able to receive the One-Time 'whatever' Password, that will be sent to my mobile, that is my Malaysian number, by the way. In which my Malaysian sim card number is the "old sim card", that doesn't effing fit in any of the new high-tech fancy-smancy phone/mobile, AND I do not have ANY of my old school 1990's phone mobile that effing works. Either the keypad is not functioning or the mobile itself is just dead. Great. Now, how am I to purchase any flight tickets if I cant receive that STUPID (though good for security) One-Time Password shit. Argh! 

And since our last short trip back to Malaysia to settle our insurances & bank accounts, we didn't manage to sort out the credit card pin & pay thingy, where when purchasing something using cc, we no longer just swipe, but need to key in some password. So if tomorrow, my brilliant "plan-ahead" or "look into the future" husband buys our flight ticket at the agent or flight center, we may, MAYBE, have a problem paying it. Cause I remembered, wanting to pay my new pair of Nike snickers at the sport shop, and it wasn't successful because there wasn't any receipt that comes out for us to sign. I tried both, using the debit & the credit card. It was stated there, on the device thingy, to key in a pin. I did key in a pin for my debit card, but nope. Transaction unsuccessful. So, yup, we didn't had enough time to do the CC bank thingy while back in Malaysia. Greeeeeat. Yes, we can call their 24 Hr Call centre, but hmmmmm, I wonder how much my mobile bill would cost, just to call internationally. And funny thing, here in Auckland, they only serve PREMIUM customers only. For us, the low down graded customers, we have to figure it out our self. Hence, 'I' have to figure it out myself. Hence, the stress & blow outs.

Got to go, Lil' Birdie is up from her nap & is hungry.

Positive Vibes.

After my last post, I SWORE myself to do what I wrote. One of the list is to get a hobby & to get myself feeling accomplished. 

I finally registered & paid for a dance class. I took Hip Hop. Of all things. But it was the only thing that I liked doing & it is on Saturday. Fits with my mom schedule & hubby is just in time to take care of our little birdie while mommy gets some popping & locking moving. 

I have not worked out or moved vigorously (or I'm going to call it 'UGLY'gorously - LOL!) Honestly, I refused to look in the mirror when I followed the instructor. I felt & still feel ugly seeing myself. Gosh, what have I done to my body. Not blaming myself for being pregnant, but I am blaming myself for not taking care of my body! I let it all go. It's all over. 

And the worst part, I have NO STRENGTH! I have NO STRENGTH! My muscles are all *kapoot*. We had to do some lower leg movement, like lunges from right to left & I had to use my hands to push myself back up! And i freaking tear my quadriceps & vastus (I had to Google it - heh heh heh) It took me about 5 days for it to heal. The next day I couldn't go up or even down the staircase. No bending & sitting up or down is like a puppet for me. I just slumped. My legs turned into a piece of plank that can't be bend without me feeling the pain. Gah! I feel so ashamed of myself. Like I really failed in my fit life. The sore on my leg is so painful. I never knew I could be in such pain. I think giving birth is bearable. (Maybe not. Hmmm..) 

Have I not worked my legs enough from carrying my daughter here and there or walked up the hill to reach our apartment? *Sobs* I guess my ass is so heavy now, that I can't carry my own self anymore. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Feeling accomplished? Not really. Because I failed in my lunges. But to be able to hear someone say good things (honest or not) is good enough for me. It will be better. 

Making new friends yet? Not really. But I'm glad to be able to hear and talk about something else besides being a mommy & my kid this, my kid that. The smell of sweat or when your chest hurts from the speed of your heartbeat rising felt good. Though I was dying, but it is a good dying feeling. Hahahahahahahaha! Okay, okay. I did feel a slight accomplishment. I did something I was in love with. Dancing. And putting a smile seeing other people of different ages & race dancing their way. 

It's just the first class. But, shucks! Next week class is cancel. And I can't attend Tuesday classes cause of the timing. Boo.

Next, I'm planning to register for the gym that is sitting in front of my apartment. And perhaps hire a trainer. Or should I just join the Thai Kickboxing instead? I think I am secretly liking boxing. Hate the UFC or anything in the ring fight, but I don't mind learning it. Because I remembered having so much of fun & adrenaline rush when I first joined LesMills' BodyCombat in Shanghai. But back then, I didn't feel this ache. How come?!

Oh, I showered. Pat on me back. And watch less TV too. Well done. But - *silence* I still check my phone. 

It's going somewhere. Not feeling shit this week. Good positive vibes. Yes!

Now, I need to Google why I have no more strength after my pregnancy. Need to regain my strength & stamina. I may be fat, but I used to be fit. And I will get my mojo back.

Keeping Things Positive

Today. Woke up feeling better than yesterday. Cried out loud last night. In front of the TV. Feeling the relieved.

Read some online bloggers about how to keep positive and stay in the game. Helped me picked up myself again. But my inner thought knows very well that it will be just temporary. Can virtual support actually be a real support to me? Or human to human contact impacts best? 

Well, I can't really answer that, because I myself haven't had any human to human support besides my husband. I mean, I don't make friends here. I'm kind of tired trying to make new friends. I just want to make a friend that instantly clicked and we are BFF for till we move to another country again. 

Speaking of making friends, it ain't that easy to make friends. You are definitely trying to find a friend who is like your soul mate. I'm so going to remind my daughter that, she needs to make good friends while shes in school & uni days, because honestly, making good friends after that stage, it ain't that easy. And being me who is super friendly and easy going, I've become a sob, sad & stupid person who lost her "Let's be friends" friendly-touched. *sigh*

Notes taken from the blogs I read to prevent from being depressed. And my explanation on why I am depressed or just plain lazy.

1. Shower.

• I have realized that this is a real problem for me. I don't shower often. Like I don't have a reason to shower, because I know my days will be at home all the time and I will get dirty anyways, so why bother shower. It becomes pointless to me. Plus, ever since we lived in NZ and money is pretty tight, I shower less. Less shower means less using electricity for hot water, means less money to pay for power bill.
• And when I know I have the time to shower (like now while I'm blogging - I'm stinky, by the way) I would rather do other things. For instance, I realized, I had some time to blog, as I was doing the dishes just now and preparing food for AA's lunch & husbands lunch. And since both of them are still taking their naps, I decided to blog. Instead of showering. Does this happen to other mothers out there? Or is it just me? Cause if its just me, than I consider myself a f***ing lazy bitch. I would rather do other things, than showering. Because if I shower, means I will be active, fresh and ready for the day. In which, I don't look up too anymore. Because, it is going to be the same day as yesterday. Doing the same thing. No one to tell me, "You look so fresh and that's a nice top you are wearing." No one.

2. Stop watching TV. OK fine. Less. Less TV.

• This is definitely one of my weakness. I can't stand the silence. Even in my own home. Cause I get annoyed when something gets so quite. My mind is constantly thinking, and having the TV on makes my mind stop thinking. 
• I need the TV on to let my kid stop coming to me. When I'm in the middle of prepping or cooking or doing the laundry or just want to be around her without her coming to me. Like, you can hang around me, but just go about do your own thing without disturbing me. (Gosh, I sound so cruel. I love you, baby girl.) But I hope you mommies feel me on this. Oh, please don't judge me.
• Even feeding her on the high chair. I get tired the whole day doing the same freaking routine, I just don't want to talk to her or be the 'The Entertainer' to get her to eat. Yes, I am practicing the 'Baby-Led-Weaning' method, and yes it works, but the after mess gets me sometimes, so I rather feed her with the spoon instead, for lesser mess. Therefore TV is on, baby sits still, I feed her in peace, clean up in a swift. Done. Next.

3. Less FB, Twitter & Instagram. OK. Let's just say less VIRTUAL, more REALITY.

• I did start this habit since hubby & I was in China. Because we can't access most of the apps, we end up surviving without it & by then I was pregnant with my daughter too. There are days where I don't check my FB. Stop reading peoples' bitching status or viral post. I rarely post photos on FB too. Only post when I miss my family or they asked about us. Mostly photos of AA. It's not that bad, you know. 
• I don't Twitter anymore. Good. 
• INSTAGRAM. Gah! This app is addictive. And it is killing me. Because I know IG post are all fake & make-do for it to be perfect and I get so caught up by it or jealous or envious or inspired (that's supposed to be good right?). A SAHM with a successful business. A SAHM mom with a body like she didn't have 4 kids. Or people who go out for coffee, having their make up done, wearing clothes that is so fashionable, being a chic hijabster, etc. Like nothing is wrong. All is well. How can I not be depressed. It's all bullshit, ain't it. How come I'm not one of them. I must be very, very, very unlucky! And because of that, I now have 2 accounts. That's why I have a new account base on food I cook or eat out. Making food as a hobby, I say. Hey, it's a hobby. It is listed in this list. Scroll below. 

4. Plan ahead. Schedule, schedule, schedule.

• I've got to say. This "Plan Ahead" or "Get Organized" is bull to me. I tried this when my daughter was born. Told myself, "Wake up at 7am, shower, by 8am, she will be awake, play with her, feed her, then shower her, feed her again, play with her and she will definitely sleep after at 10am." Bullshit. There are days, she wakes up way before me because the sound of my room door squeaks so loudly. Then, shower takes 30mins to 1 hour because my 'mak bidan' told me to take my time, scrubbing my skin, to heal my vjay-jay cut, and when I had to shit and and having constipation, it will take hours! Don't ask me to explain the horror or fear of shitting. All I can say, it didn't work for me at the beginning.
• I know planning is good. It's like an achievement. But sadly, we mothers don't get a pat on the back for doing any of those. "Well done, a Mom. You showered, breastfed, feed breakfast/lunch/dinner, changed diapers, clean the house, teach & play your kid. Here is $500 for your hard work today." *sigh* 
• I do make sure my daughter's routine is on track. Wakes up (at any time she wants to), breastfeed, breakfast, playtime, nap time, lunch time, playtime, breastfeed, nap time, dinner time, shower & get ready for her bedtime. Her routine is so organized, I don't know what to do when I have my own free time. Mostly I do is cleaning. Other days I just slumped down on the couch & stare at the TV. And wait for the time when my 'Mom Mode' is on again. 
• OK. Showering needs to be plan ahead. Shower before she wakes up every morning. MUST!

5. Have a hobby.

• I have hobbies. But most of them needs money or time. Time is so precious for me, I just want time to do nothing. Like stare at the TV or try to shower. I like dancing, but dancing cost money. I like doing design (I'm a qualified ID with a BA degree, who lost her touch) but designing needs to be full on. Okay, I'm not being positive here. I'm trying. I am trying to change my laziness. I like cooking & eating. But that will just add on to my weight. And it cost money.
• But I decided to go attend some dance classes, go look for some ID work online and cook healthy & eat better. 

6. Find ways to get sense of self accomplishment.

• I hope by joining the dance class, I will achieve something. For better & fitter health. And not talking about babies or mom life.

7. Clean everyday.

• I think I'm always cleaning in the kitchen. But I clean for God's sake! Because I clean so much, I get depressed. I end up feeling like a maid. That is not right. 

8. Get out of the house.

• Maybe I don't do this often. But then again, we do go out. Monday for AA's social class. And weekends around the city or out for lunch/dinner. But why am I still depressed. And I barely go out because it cost money. And again, our financial is tight. You go out, you want coffee. Or cakes. Or food. Or buy things. Or maybe because I'm always with my daughter & husband. Which leads me to the last list.

9. Make friends. Easy for one to say. Ps: Read what I wrote above.

• I think my only friend now is my daughter & husband. I miss having my goof friends around. Friends that I have made long time ago. I wish I was back home. So I don't have to bother making new ones. It's not easy. But I'm still trying. And still hoping. 

So there you have it. Some of the list I try to take into my life and practice to prevent me from going through this depression. And hope this post will help you mothers out there whose in the same roller coaster as me. One step at a time. I do feel slightly better writing this post down. It made me feel like a start to something. A project. Let's see if I am able to achieve this. Telling myself, even if there is no one out there to applaud me with this achievement, I know I'm doing this for myself. Cause I am an awesome women. 

Wrote this blog this afternoon. And took me whole day to finish it. Pausing in between because 'Mom-Mode' is on. Able to finish this blog because my daughter's asleep now and husband's off to work. And I took a shower just now (yeay!), instead of watching the TV after putting her to bed. The TV is still on though, but I only hear the background sound. I'm on the floor in the guestroom finishing this blog. And once done, I will eat my dinner and go to bed. Which is a not a healthy way to end the day, but I didn't have my dinner just now while taking care of my kid. One step at a time.

Here is 2 of the blogs I read to get inspired & motivated. Good luck mom's out there. We can do it!

Beating Depression as a SAHM

Banishing Stay at Home Mom Blues

This post says it all.

I stumbled upon this while doing some online surfing. And this post is what I'm going through now. Spot on. Trying my best to keep positive. Hoping for a better day tomorrow. 

But to those mom who are going through what I am going through, have a read. If you aren't sure what you're going through. Get what I mean..? We are not alone, mommies. 

http://www.abundantmama.com/isolated-mom/

Lonely

It's been 8 months since we made our moved to New Zealand. I enjoy living here so much. It's beautiful, people are friendly & helpful. The blue sky, green green grass, white fluffy cloud.. Everything is perfect here. 

But...

I feel somethings not right here. I am suddenly feeling empty. We went back to visit our family last week for 2 weeks. And it felt so good. Tiring, but good. Stressed. And wished it was longer so that we could've done more things. But grateful that we were able to go back.

As soon as we touched down Auckland, I feel this emptiness appear. Lonely. Yes, I have my baby girl & my beloved (bless you, my love) husband. But inside of me, I feel lonely.

Am I missing my family so much? Am I feeling alone because I don't have any friends here? Am I feeling shitty because I don't make money here? What am I to do, besides complaining & venting out in my blog?

Is there anyone out there going through what I am going through? 

I'm so afraid to do new things. Like joining a mommy group or get involved in activities. I keep thinking negative things like, "Shit, I need to ride the bus to go there. And to be with my kid, by myself, I don't think I can do it." Or, "How much will it cost? Cause I got no money." Or "Habibi's at home, what if he needs to eat?". 

In a way I'm so comfortable to be by myself, being a devoted domestic wife & mom, I will only feel save to go out if my husband is with me. Is this my nature? 

Or could it be because I am so sick & tired of making new friends? Or starting all over again? I'm more tired now since AA came into our life. I'm smellier now, untidy, messy, don't even shower for days, and I don't even know when will I be able to brush my teeth, let alone shave my armpit hair. 

I keep saying, after everyone is asleep, you do all those, but my brain just shuts down. Like my dumb-self appears and I refused to do anything but to have my dinner & watch TV. Read previous post.

I haven't even stepped into the dance studio I went to ask information before. Because my negative reply was, the timing wasn't right & how can we afford to pay the class. Because the money can be used for AA or home food or something better.

I've gained some weight & my body is no longer toned. I wanted to force-joined the gym which is just 'smacked-face' in-front of our place, but again financial will be a problem. 

Why do I always make myself go through this negativity in my whole freaking life. I am so negative to myself and till today I only know how to complain & cry. But nothing is done. 

Start a DIY, Zira. Start baking. Start with your brilliant idea on headgear turban. But all of it involves money. And we cant use the money we have at the moment for any of it, because we wont have enough later.

My glasses' needs to add power, but nope, I refused to make a new one or go get new lenses because it cost money. Same with my contact lenses. I even waited to go back Malaysia to have my hair cut. My toe is having a problem. I know there's a bone growing to the wrong direction that it's poking my nerve and maybe one day could damage my balance, but even though so, I have not seen any specialist feet/toe doctor. My daughter needs to be registered to a GP here, but nope, have not. 

What is wrong with me? 

Exhaustion.

I'm not complaining or saying my motherhood life sucks. I love being a mom. It's the greatest feeling ever. Especially when you see your child grow in front of you, doing things that you can't imagine a 1 year old can do. Disbelief that this 1 year old mimics me wearing a pair of shoe. And not her shoe, but mine!

But today, I'm just feeling sluggish, annoyed, pissed & mad. The sudden feeling of hate flows inside of me. I blame my "coming-soon" period.

Eversince we came back from our "balik kampung", my daughters been different. Of course routine has been changed due to our non-stop activity in Malaysia. Family & friends. And she's more spoiled now. And she refused to sleep by herself.

By 9pm, she's in bed. I would change her, feed her, on the Quranic reading on the MP3 and switch off the lights. She herself wants to go down in her cot. But this pass few days, she's screaming & crying & begging in her cot after I leave the room. & it annoys me. It makes me mad. Like it brings me back to the first few days when I want having my confinement at my moms.

This split personality of mine (which I hated so much & I thought I buried her) comes out again and hatred feeling arises back. Is my post-partum depression not over yet?

I just let her be in the bedroom. Let her cry out I know it seems cruel, but I rather be away from her than to be near her. I'm sorry baby.

Another thing. My routine is, after 9pm, baby is asleep. Then husband gets ready to work. And after he leaves to work, I have my dinner. It's late, but I look forward to this. Because that is when I am able to do what I want.

It's finally my me time. I eat and watch TV or watch online series. And I want to eat ugly or be ugly or just let go of the "super-mom" costume that I've been wearing the whole day.

So if my husband decided to linger around (because he woke up earlier & hangs around the house) I get annoyed. Because it is MY TIME. Yes, it's not all the time, but maybe I'm getting my period soon. PMS. If he lingers around means, I'll prepare my dinner later after he leaves. Means I will eat late & I will end up sleeping later. It ruins my routine. *sigh*

I'm just being a bitch now. I just need to vent. And because my husband was lingering around the house, I felt so bad asking him "What are you waiting for?" and he just left. So meaning, I'm typing this (due to me being annoyed) down & now I'm late to eat. My food is cold & my show is starting. Arrrghhhh..! Damn you PMS!

Another Melt Down.

I got my melt downs again. Feeling hopeless. Feeling shit. About not me being a mom, but me being a person on this earth. What am I contributing besides being a full time SAHM.

I feel shit because I'm not working. I'm not earning any cash. Using my husband's money to buy things. Well, kept reminding myself, those "things" are used for us family, anyways. It's not like I'm using his money to buy my own things. I don't even get to pay with his money because when we buy groceries or coffee or go out for brunch/dinner, it is he the one whose paying. So technically, I don't have any money to pay anything. Nope. No cash in hand. Just my walking hubby-bank when needed.

I felt like, when I was in school, where I asked my parents for some cash to buy my favourite books of Sweet Valley High or jewelries or go to the movies. I roughly ask for sum amount before able to buy them. If I didn't overused it for food, drinks or other 'not-in-the-list'. It limits me to buy what I want. So I feel shit. Real shit.

Kinda miss my working days, where you can buy what you want. Eventhough you know your limit because you got to pay back those damn credit cards. But, the feeling to be able to just enter a shop, pick an item & contemplate to buy it or not because you can. And you know that the money you earn is for you only. After you minus off all the priority savings, bills and sorts.

Being a SAHM is awesome because you get to see and experience and witness your baby growing up in front of you. Every single detailed from the time they burped or fart or say their first word. Best memory kept forever. But we don't earn anything from that. Not that I asked to be paid, because I chooses this life. But days like this, where I feel shitty, because I realized I'm just a human being, staying at home, taking care of a kid who will grow up, one day hating me for not allowing her to go for a party on a weekday or fight with me because I invade her privacy and many more (which I'm mentally preparing myself, even if my Lil'birdie is only one years old now - Hahahaha!) and I have done nothing to to get some money. And I depend on my man.

I guess I wanted to feel satisfied, achieved and successful if I earn some cash. Maybe it makes me feel important. I just want to earn some money for myself. So I can buy those handbags that I dream off or new clothes or a shampoo that I needed cause my hair now have flakes and ain't as lushes as it used to be. Or even a new bra. For my boobs changed from a perky teenager to a women to a mother who breastfeed to a saggy tits from all those breastfeeding.

Yes, my husband always tells me to inform him what I need, but the thing is, I know our budget. I know how much he earns and how much we have to pay for rent and those monthly bills and at the end of the day, I know how much we have to buy our needed groceries & maybe once or twice 'lepaking' at a cafe or dine in a restaurant for dinner.

You see, if we decided to eat out and have those mid-day coffees & desserts, chances are, we can't go for shopping. So its either or. Meaning either we go on a die-of-hunger for us to shop-till-we-drop, or we priorities on buying groceries to eat and survive. Gosh, I'm so dramatic here. Hahahaha!

But its true. It's either or. So that's why I feel shitty for I wish to get some extra money so I can just go "Oh, Habibi, I'm out out pantyliner, so I'm going out for a while to get them", rather than "Habibi, can I buy a pantyliner? Oh wait, we only have this this amount for this week. It's okay. I'll just use the tissue paper. Oh, wait! We're out of tissue paper. So, it's either tissue paper or the baby wipes. Shit."

Sigh.

I do wish I have money not just for myself. But would be nice that I can buy things for my baby girl. Just because. Or a gift for my husband. Just because. Or bring him for dinner or lunch or watch a movie. Just because. At least it will be a nice surprise compare to me asking him the money and he ask for what and I say it's a surprise. Don't think it's even a surprise because he knows that's his money I used.

I did those online surveys and I just got points. And nope. Not money. Then I did those online opinion thingy and apparently I'm not qualified for their needed opinion. Maybe because they sense I'm a loser SAHM. And selling things? I can do that, but why would I sell something to Malaysia from here where the currency exchange is ridiculous and postage cost is the same price or double of the item that I might be selling. I tried. But international postage from NZ is just crazy.

I was excited when I received a freelance job doing my Interior work. But that project is finished. I handout my drawings and just waiting for my last payment, in which I will end up using it paying my Malaysia mobile bill & insurances. And end up zero again. Now that the project is done deal, I'm waiting for my ID world to change my life again. Anyone needs a virtual personal design consultation? I'm available. I'm not good with 3D drawings, but I am good being a personal designer to help advice, make 2D drawings, mood boards, colour concept scheme and some basic technical drawings. Email me. *silent wind*

I wanted to continue doing my grandma's coconut jam but do far I have not discovered anyone selling duck eggs. I found a big farmer for ducks and emailed them, and they said they no longer sell them. I was so positive when I sent that email and told myself, yes it's going to be good. But when they replied it just crushed me down. There goes another dust of my hidden talent.

Gosh, I'm effing complaining. I'm so not grateful it seems. Everytime I read back what I wrote about how ducky my life is, I remind myself, "You're one ungrateful human being". Is this because I'm having my PMS soon? Or I'm just going through this money issue for a person who stopped working for 6 years? And now I'm more pressured because I'm a mother?

Another case of my miserable life is, everytime I get my time off as being a wife (hubby leaves work at 10pm) and a mom (AA sleeps at 9pm), I finally get to eat my peaceful dinner and sit down, watch some TV or surf the net and when I want to do something positive, for instance updating this blog, I get lazy or kept postponing it. And when later comes it's almost 2am and I need to get my sleep because in the next 5-6 hours, AA will wake up and the mom job mode mode is ON. And 10am is wife mode ON.

I started typing this while I was pooing for god's sake! I needed to vent out. Cause I feel so empty, feel like a loser, hopeless, nothing. I can't seem to be focus to do anything after my wife/mom job ends at night. All I want to do is eat, scratch my bum or tummy, eat junk, watch TV or online TV, and shut down my brain.

Speaking of shut down my brain, it doesn't. Because even if I'm acting all "Aaah, my wife/mom job is done for the day", my brain is still working. Because it's planning for tomorrow's job. Baby's bottle needs to be washed to fill new water, breakfast menu for baby and husband. Then plan for lunch. Then think about those delays insurances not paid, or money owed to the parents. Or when is our shipment of things from China is arriving? Need to remind hubby to email. Shit, need to register AA & myself to the GP and get her vaccinated. So on and on and on.

And I do this while watching TV or eating. Or sit down and stare at the blinds. And wished that the blinds are slightly darker colour or maybe white would be better to make the living room bigger. And when I'm about to sleep, I cry myself because I am a miserable, hopeless, SAHM & wife. And nobody give me a pat on the shoulder to say good job for it, because nobody sees it. Except my husband. Who doesn't know how to show appreciation. He loves me yes. But he just doesn't know how to.

OK. I got to go. I'm about to bawl my eyes out again. Goodnight.