Broken Tears.

It's been a long time. I made him cry today. 6th Oct 2017. It must've been very hard for him. I must've made him feel that way. And I feel shit. Because of me, he cried. I've broken his heart. In a way, I made him let go of that male, egoist & I can't handle it, man. I'm sorry, my love. I hate to see you cry. And I know, if you cry, it means that you just can't handle it.

The last time I heard & saw you cry was 10 years ago. And that was because, you were alone in the States & it was your first time to leave everything you love behind. And I cried so hard seeing you cry. Like I couldn't protect you.

And today, because I couldn't control my fear, anger, hatred, emotional, I shouted at you & saying things that doesn't support you, nagging you, pushed you down, made you feel more shit, yet you hugged me so tight, and say everything will be alright. And you cried because I made you feel like I've stop supporting you.

I feel shit. I'm sorry, my love. I lost it. I didn't mean to make you cry & feel worthless. You are my bestest friend & I promised 11 years ago, to support you & make you somebody & proof to all of them who looked down on you & made you feel like you're nobody.

Sometimes I forget who I am. And didn't realized what I say. I'm sorry. It's hard to hit bottom. And my fear creeps on me. And it got the worst of me. And I made you feel like you've done such a crappy job as a husband & father. I'm sorry.

The girl who supported you back then, is still there for you. Despite the roller coaster in life that we are now (finally) facing, arguments & fights & shouts & cries, I will always & forever support you. You are the bestest friend I can ever have, loving husband any wife can ask for & a great father our daughter could grow up with. You are amazing, my love.

I'm sorry I made you break down & cry. I take the blame for it. Forgive me.

Should I Stop My Breastfeeding?

She's now, going to be 19 months old at the end of this 30th July. Today, as I marked my calendar, 27.07.2017, I decided not to nurse her for the first time. And she was okay. And it made me wonder. Sad. Confused. Guilty. Selfish. And just sad. 

I didn't want to nurse her tonight, cause I'm having the bad cramps. Period is coming soon I guess. (Period is kinda 4 days late, women.) Man, do I sound like a selfish-bitch for not giving my daughter her night feed today, just because I'm having the PMS mood swings. 

But then again, she's didn't ask for it. She hasn't been asking for milk for quite a while, actually. I just realized, that every night, it is me or my husband, who asked her if she wants milk. It's like we are asking her to make a decision. And sometimes, she ignores me, but up till I show her my boobs, only then she gets all excited, liked it's a gift. So whats does that tells you? She wants it, or doesn't need to want it..? 

She is not the kind of toddler who touches my breast for milk. Or begs. Or cries out. Or pulls down or up my clothes. Cause I made it a routine for her. Like she knows, she will get her milk. From beginning, she drinks every 1 hour, giving me hell of time, not enough sleep. Then finally gets into the 8 times a day, to 6 times to 4 time and around 15/16 months of, she's only having 1 nurse. Every night, I will ask her and she will drink it. Is it a force? I mean, she takes it when given. But she doesn't ask for it. She wasn't cranky either. Just now, I casually zip up her sleep sack, switch off the table light and put her down in her cot, she was all okay. Does it mean, she's ready to wean?

But, I'm feeling sad. And guilty because I know the main reason I didn't want to feed her tonight was because of my PMS swings. The cramps is making me annoyed out of everything. But now, I'm sad. If it is, that she is ready to wean, I will miss this so badly. I've been doing it for 1 year 7 months! And I didn't have a good start with her in the beginning, but being a stubborn mule, I refused to stop back then. I was so determined to continue, even after a lot of hiccups, anger, fight, frustration, crying and arguing and don't mentioned about the PAIN, but I kept on going and going. And tonight, Thursday 27.07.2017, I did not nurse her. *SOBS!*

I don't know what or how to feel. Or I don't know what I'm feeling now. It's like, part of me is saying, "You selfish bitch, go feed her!". And the other part is "Maybe it's time. It'll be okay." Should I feed her? Oh, dear. 

I told my husband and hoping to help me ease my worrisome, and he, (oh,simple mind a man can be), said, "If she cries later, feed her." - Yup. Just. Like. That. Done. Why, thanks husband dearest. Guess, you just know what to say at the right time. Weaning is really "NOT" effecting me. And how "this thing" is a NO BIG DEAL to me. Whoop-pi!

*sigh* Damn you, PMS. 

These are my thoughts now. I have to write it down. Because I can't keep it to myself, and telling my husband just now, didn't really help me out with my confusion.

1. But, it's supposed to be for 2 years. Its not 2 years yet! I still got 5 more months to go! 
2. But she doesn't drink cows milk. She needs my milk to get her growing! Even if I know I'm giving her enough nutritious solid food, but my milk is the most important. And she only drinks my milk 1 time before bed. And now it stops?
3. Why isn't she asking for milk anymore? She don't need me anymore?
4. Am I not producing enough? But I always see milk dripping at my nipples after her feed.
5. Won't she be hungry?
6. Won't my boobs sore and get bloated because my boobs are so used to her feeding before bed?
7. But, I will miss my bond with her. I will miss her annoying me while I feed her.

Why do I feel bad. Why do I feel sad about this. It's good, right, if she herself weans on her own. I should be happy, right? I get to keep my boobs to myself now. 

Oh, dear. Now I'm crying because she didn't need to nurse just now. I seriously need to sort out my PMS now. It's not making it easier for me. 

ps: I feel my boobs producing the milk. Should I feed her? Will it get sore? 

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

What am I to do?

ID-less. Mother-more.

Ever since I chose to become a wife & now a mom, I realized my ID life is slowly disappearing. I have no sense of design or my brain just don't 'design-function' anymore. Or maybe, I have been a designer-less person all this while. Maybe I don't have any design taste at all. 

I mean, look at all the places I've lived. In Hong Kong, Bahrain, Shanghai. And now in New Zealand. My house looks like I am not a designer or studied ID or even have experienced working in this field. But then again, most of them are furnished and I can only add in things. *paused to think*

I'm beginning to doubt about myself, am I good in design. I think, I'm shit. I got no sense of flair, taste, design or ideas. I guess, I'm only good at talking. Talking shit.

I get jelly when I go on YouTube and see people talk or design and built spaces. I've always dreamt of doing what they are doing, but why is luck not on my side? I can do it, but it cost money and I, being a full-time SAHM, makes no money. And my husband makes enough money for us to pay rent, bills, diapers & food. And yeay! No savings. 

So it sucks. Because I get jealous of them. I ask myself, how come they get to do all that? Why is it so easy for them? Doesn't it cost money? How fortunate are them? How different can they be from me? I studied and work ID, but why can't I have what they do? 

I am not good in my 3D, nor do I can hand draw artistically. I don't even know if my taste in something is tasteful enough to others. And what I love, I myself, can't afford. Is there anyone out there having this same position as me? 

*sigh

Handling Everything.

Mentally exhausted just thinking of what needs to be done at home, and yet, nothing is done accordingly. I have so many things in my head to do. But why is it not happening?

I need to steam AA's veges so to prepare her lunch, because her breakfast wasn't filling & I didn't breastfeed her this morning because I am selfish thinking I will get hungry easily due to Ramadan fasting. I am so selfish. Am I?

I need to clean the house. Vacuum it because there are crumbs, hairs, bits of unknown pieces all over the carpet. And yet, I'm not doing it.

Our washed clothes are piled up on the ottoman for ages & every time I have my 'me-time' or a 'rest time', I don't use that time to fold them clothes. And it keeps piling and piling, because I keep washing and washing more clothes. Because washing in the washer is much easier to set the time & it does it's own magic. But sometimes, I forgot to take out the load out, and have to rewash them back because it stinks & I blame myself for using it because it means that I'm using more electricity, means higher bill this month to pay. And now it's coming to winter, the heater is on every night. And not during the day, where I bundle up my self with layers of clothes & sweaters & socks & poor daughter needs to do the same. 

At the moment, I know my daughter's vegetables is steamed enough because I'm staring at the pot while typing blindly, water boiling & pouring out from it, yet I am just too bloody lazy to go there & fix it or clean it. Because this is my 'me-time' & I want to blog this out, because if I don't, I will blow up and cry for nothing, because at THIS VERY MOMENT, I feel like a shitty mom. A shitty, lazy, unorganized mom & wife. 

I think, I'm just going to feed AA left over fish from last night, with butter, rice & those veges I'm steaming now. I bet she wont eat the vegetables. Because its bland & tasteless. Man, I feel like a shitty mom. 

I have to go buy tickets online to see my sister in Aussie for Raya. But to purchase online, I need to use my credit card, which is working wonderfully, but only if, I am able to receive the One-Time 'whatever' Password, that will be sent to my mobile, that is my Malaysian number, by the way. In which my Malaysian sim card number is the "old sim card", that doesn't effing fit in any of the new high-tech fancy-smancy phone/mobile, AND I do not have ANY of my old school 1990's phone mobile that effing works. Either the keypad is not functioning or the mobile itself is just dead. Great. Now, how am I to purchase any flight tickets if I cant receive that STUPID (though good for security) One-Time Password shit. Argh! 

And since our last short trip back to Malaysia to settle our insurances & bank accounts, we didn't manage to sort out the credit card pin & pay thingy, where when purchasing something using cc, we no longer just swipe, but need to key in some password. So if tomorrow, my brilliant "plan-ahead" or "look into the future" husband buys our flight ticket at the agent or flight center, we may, MAYBE, have a problem paying it. Cause I remembered, wanting to pay my new pair of Nike snickers at the sport shop, and it wasn't successful because there wasn't any receipt that comes out for us to sign. I tried both, using the debit & the credit card. It was stated there, on the device thingy, to key in a pin. I did key in a pin for my debit card, but nope. Transaction unsuccessful. So, yup, we didn't had enough time to do the CC bank thingy while back in Malaysia. Greeeeeat. Yes, we can call their 24 Hr Call centre, but hmmmmm, I wonder how much my mobile bill would cost, just to call internationally. And funny thing, here in Auckland, they only serve PREMIUM customers only. For us, the low down graded customers, we have to figure it out our self. Hence, 'I' have to figure it out myself. Hence, the stress & blow outs.

Got to go, Lil' Birdie is up from her nap & is hungry.

Positive Vibes.

After my last post, I SWORE myself to do what I wrote. One of the list is to get a hobby & to get myself feeling accomplished. 

I finally registered & paid for a dance class. I took Hip Hop. Of all things. But it was the only thing that I liked doing & it is on Saturday. Fits with my mom schedule & hubby is just in time to take care of our little birdie while mommy gets some popping & locking moving. 

I have not worked out or moved vigorously (or I'm going to call it 'UGLY'gorously - LOL!) Honestly, I refused to look in the mirror when I followed the instructor. I felt & still feel ugly seeing myself. Gosh, what have I done to my body. Not blaming myself for being pregnant, but I am blaming myself for not taking care of my body! I let it all go. It's all over. 

And the worst part, I have NO STRENGTH! I have NO STRENGTH! My muscles are all *kapoot*. We had to do some lower leg movement, like lunges from right to left & I had to use my hands to push myself back up! And i freaking tear my quadriceps & vastus (I had to Google it - heh heh heh) It took me about 5 days for it to heal. The next day I couldn't go up or even down the staircase. No bending & sitting up or down is like a puppet for me. I just slumped. My legs turned into a piece of plank that can't be bend without me feeling the pain. Gah! I feel so ashamed of myself. Like I really failed in my fit life. The sore on my leg is so painful. I never knew I could be in such pain. I think giving birth is bearable. (Maybe not. Hmmm..) 

Have I not worked my legs enough from carrying my daughter here and there or walked up the hill to reach our apartment? *Sobs* I guess my ass is so heavy now, that I can't carry my own self anymore. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Feeling accomplished? Not really. Because I failed in my lunges. But to be able to hear someone say good things (honest or not) is good enough for me. It will be better. 

Making new friends yet? Not really. But I'm glad to be able to hear and talk about something else besides being a mommy & my kid this, my kid that. The smell of sweat or when your chest hurts from the speed of your heartbeat rising felt good. Though I was dying, but it is a good dying feeling. Hahahahahahahaha! Okay, okay. I did feel a slight accomplishment. I did something I was in love with. Dancing. And putting a smile seeing other people of different ages & race dancing their way. 

It's just the first class. But, shucks! Next week class is cancel. And I can't attend Tuesday classes cause of the timing. Boo.

Next, I'm planning to register for the gym that is sitting in front of my apartment. And perhaps hire a trainer. Or should I just join the Thai Kickboxing instead? I think I am secretly liking boxing. Hate the UFC or anything in the ring fight, but I don't mind learning it. Because I remembered having so much of fun & adrenaline rush when I first joined LesMills' BodyCombat in Shanghai. But back then, I didn't feel this ache. How come?!

Oh, I showered. Pat on me back. And watch less TV too. Well done. But - *silence* I still check my phone. 

It's going somewhere. Not feeling shit this week. Good positive vibes. Yes!

Now, I need to Google why I have no more strength after my pregnancy. Need to regain my strength & stamina. I may be fat, but I used to be fit. And I will get my mojo back.