Handling Everything.

Mentally exhausted just thinking of what needs to be done at home, and yet, nothing is done accordingly. I have so many things in my head to do. But why is it not happening?

I need to steam AA's veges so to prepare her lunch, because her breakfast wasn't filling & I didn't breastfeed her this morning because I am selfish thinking I will get hungry easily due to Ramadan fasting. I am so selfish. Am I?

I need to clean the house. Vacuum it because there are crumbs, hairs, bits of unknown pieces all over the carpet. And yet, I'm not doing it.

Our washed clothes are piled up on the ottoman for ages & every time I have my 'me-time' or a 'rest time', I don't use that time to fold them clothes. And it keeps piling and piling, because I keep washing and washing more clothes. Because washing in the washer is much easier to set the time & it does it's own magic. But sometimes, I forgot to take out the load out, and have to rewash them back because it stinks & I blame myself for using it because it means that I'm using more electricity, means higher bill this month to pay. And now it's coming to winter, the heater is on every night. And not during the day, where I bundle up my self with layers of clothes & sweaters & socks & poor daughter needs to do the same. 

At the moment, I know my daughter's vegetables is steamed enough because I'm staring at the pot while typing blindly, water boiling & pouring out from it, yet I am just too bloody lazy to go there & fix it or clean it. Because this is my 'me-time' & I want to blog this out, because if I don't, I will blow up and cry for nothing, because at THIS VERY MOMENT, I feel like a shitty mom. A shitty, lazy, unorganized mom & wife. 

I think, I'm just going to feed AA left over fish from last night, with butter, rice & those veges I'm steaming now. I bet she wont eat the vegetables. Because its bland & tasteless. Man, I feel like a shitty mom. 

I have to go buy tickets online to see my sister in Aussie for Raya. But to purchase online, I need to use my credit card, which is working wonderfully, but only if, I am able to receive the One-Time 'whatever' Password, that will be sent to my mobile, that is my Malaysian number, by the way. In which my Malaysian sim card number is the "old sim card", that doesn't effing fit in any of the new high-tech fancy-smancy phone/mobile, AND I do not have ANY of my old school 1990's phone mobile that effing works. Either the keypad is not functioning or the mobile itself is just dead. Great. Now, how am I to purchase any flight tickets if I cant receive that STUPID (though good for security) One-Time Password shit. Argh! 

And since our last short trip back to Malaysia to settle our insurances & bank accounts, we didn't manage to sort out the credit card pin & pay thingy, where when purchasing something using cc, we no longer just swipe, but need to key in some password. So if tomorrow, my brilliant "plan-ahead" or "look into the future" husband buys our flight ticket at the agent or flight center, we may, MAYBE, have a problem paying it. Cause I remembered, wanting to pay my new pair of Nike snickers at the sport shop, and it wasn't successful because there wasn't any receipt that comes out for us to sign. I tried both, using the debit & the credit card. It was stated there, on the device thingy, to key in a pin. I did key in a pin for my debit card, but nope. Transaction unsuccessful. So, yup, we didn't had enough time to do the CC bank thingy while back in Malaysia. Greeeeeat. Yes, we can call their 24 Hr Call centre, but hmmmmm, I wonder how much my mobile bill would cost, just to call internationally. And funny thing, here in Auckland, they only serve PREMIUM customers only. For us, the low down graded customers, we have to figure it out our self. Hence, 'I' have to figure it out myself. Hence, the stress & blow outs.

Got to go, Lil' Birdie is up from her nap & is hungry.

Positive Vibes.

After my last post, I SWORE myself to do what I wrote. One of the list is to get a hobby & to get myself feeling accomplished. 

I finally registered & paid for a dance class. I took Hip Hop. Of all things. But it was the only thing that I liked doing & it is on Saturday. Fits with my mom schedule & hubby is just in time to take care of our little birdie while mommy gets some popping & locking moving. 

I have not worked out or moved vigorously (or I'm going to call it 'UGLY'gorously - LOL!) Honestly, I refused to look in the mirror when I followed the instructor. I felt & still feel ugly seeing myself. Gosh, what have I done to my body. Not blaming myself for being pregnant, but I am blaming myself for not taking care of my body! I let it all go. It's all over. 

And the worst part, I have NO STRENGTH! I have NO STRENGTH! My muscles are all *kapoot*. We had to do some lower leg movement, like lunges from right to left & I had to use my hands to push myself back up! And i freaking tear my quadriceps & vastus (I had to Google it - heh heh heh) It took me about 5 days for it to heal. The next day I couldn't go up or even down the staircase. No bending & sitting up or down is like a puppet for me. I just slumped. My legs turned into a piece of plank that can't be bend without me feeling the pain. Gah! I feel so ashamed of myself. Like I really failed in my fit life. The sore on my leg is so painful. I never knew I could be in such pain. I think giving birth is bearable. (Maybe not. Hmmm..) 

Have I not worked my legs enough from carrying my daughter here and there or walked up the hill to reach our apartment? *Sobs* I guess my ass is so heavy now, that I can't carry my own self anymore. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Feeling accomplished? Not really. Because I failed in my lunges. But to be able to hear someone say good things (honest or not) is good enough for me. It will be better. 

Making new friends yet? Not really. But I'm glad to be able to hear and talk about something else besides being a mommy & my kid this, my kid that. The smell of sweat or when your chest hurts from the speed of your heartbeat rising felt good. Though I was dying, but it is a good dying feeling. Hahahahahahahaha! Okay, okay. I did feel a slight accomplishment. I did something I was in love with. Dancing. And putting a smile seeing other people of different ages & race dancing their way. 

It's just the first class. But, shucks! Next week class is cancel. And I can't attend Tuesday classes cause of the timing. Boo.

Next, I'm planning to register for the gym that is sitting in front of my apartment. And perhaps hire a trainer. Or should I just join the Thai Kickboxing instead? I think I am secretly liking boxing. Hate the UFC or anything in the ring fight, but I don't mind learning it. Because I remembered having so much of fun & adrenaline rush when I first joined LesMills' BodyCombat in Shanghai. But back then, I didn't feel this ache. How come?!

Oh, I showered. Pat on me back. And watch less TV too. Well done. But - *silence* I still check my phone. 

It's going somewhere. Not feeling shit this week. Good positive vibes. Yes!

Now, I need to Google why I have no more strength after my pregnancy. Need to regain my strength & stamina. I may be fat, but I used to be fit. And I will get my mojo back.

Keeping Things Positive

Today. Woke up feeling better than yesterday. Cried out loud last night. In front of the TV. Feeling the relieved.

Read some online bloggers about how to keep positive and stay in the game. Helped me picked up myself again. But my inner thought knows very well that it will be just temporary. Can virtual support actually be a real support to me? Or human to human contact impacts best? 

Well, I can't really answer that, because I myself haven't had any human to human support besides my husband. I mean, I don't make friends here. I'm kind of tired trying to make new friends. I just want to make a friend that instantly clicked and we are BFF for till we move to another country again. 

Speaking of making friends, it ain't that easy to make friends. You are definitely trying to find a friend who is like your soul mate. I'm so going to remind my daughter that, she needs to make good friends while shes in school & uni days, because honestly, making good friends after that stage, it ain't that easy. And being me who is super friendly and easy going, I've become a sob, sad & stupid person who lost her "Let's be friends" friendly-touched. *sigh*

Notes taken from the blogs I read to prevent from being depressed. And my explanation on why I am depressed or just plain lazy.

1. Shower.

• I have realized that this is a real problem for me. I don't shower often. Like I don't have a reason to shower, because I know my days will be at home all the time and I will get dirty anyways, so why bother shower. It becomes pointless to me. Plus, ever since we lived in NZ and money is pretty tight, I shower less. Less shower means less using electricity for hot water, means less money to pay for power bill.
• And when I know I have the time to shower (like now while I'm blogging - I'm stinky, by the way) I would rather do other things. For instance, I realized, I had some time to blog, as I was doing the dishes just now and preparing food for AA's lunch & husbands lunch. And since both of them are still taking their naps, I decided to blog. Instead of showering. Does this happen to other mothers out there? Or is it just me? Cause if its just me, than I consider myself a f***ing lazy bitch. I would rather do other things, than showering. Because if I shower, means I will be active, fresh and ready for the day. In which, I don't look up too anymore. Because, it is going to be the same day as yesterday. Doing the same thing. No one to tell me, "You look so fresh and that's a nice top you are wearing." No one.

2. Stop watching TV. OK fine. Less. Less TV.

• This is definitely one of my weakness. I can't stand the silence. Even in my own home. Cause I get annoyed when something gets so quite. My mind is constantly thinking, and having the TV on makes my mind stop thinking. 
• I need the TV on to let my kid stop coming to me. When I'm in the middle of prepping or cooking or doing the laundry or just want to be around her without her coming to me. Like, you can hang around me, but just go about do your own thing without disturbing me. (Gosh, I sound so cruel. I love you, baby girl.) But I hope you mommies feel me on this. Oh, please don't judge me.
• Even feeding her on the high chair. I get tired the whole day doing the same freaking routine, I just don't want to talk to her or be the 'The Entertainer' to get her to eat. Yes, I am practicing the 'Baby-Led-Weaning' method, and yes it works, but the after mess gets me sometimes, so I rather feed her with the spoon instead, for lesser mess. Therefore TV is on, baby sits still, I feed her in peace, clean up in a swift. Done. Next.

3. Less FB, Twitter & Instagram. OK. Let's just say less VIRTUAL, more REALITY.

• I did start this habit since hubby & I was in China. Because we can't access most of the apps, we end up surviving without it & by then I was pregnant with my daughter too. There are days where I don't check my FB. Stop reading peoples' bitching status or viral post. I rarely post photos on FB too. Only post when I miss my family or they asked about us. Mostly photos of AA. It's not that bad, you know. 
• I don't Twitter anymore. Good. 
• INSTAGRAM. Gah! This app is addictive. And it is killing me. Because I know IG post are all fake & make-do for it to be perfect and I get so caught up by it or jealous or envious or inspired (that's supposed to be good right?). A SAHM with a successful business. A SAHM mom with a body like she didn't have 4 kids. Or people who go out for coffee, having their make up done, wearing clothes that is so fashionable, being a chic hijabster, etc. Like nothing is wrong. All is well. How can I not be depressed. It's all bullshit, ain't it. How come I'm not one of them. I must be very, very, very unlucky! And because of that, I now have 2 accounts. That's why I have a new account base on food I cook or eat out. Making food as a hobby, I say. Hey, it's a hobby. It is listed in this list. Scroll below. 

4. Plan ahead. Schedule, schedule, schedule.

• I've got to say. This "Plan Ahead" or "Get Organized" is bull to me. I tried this when my daughter was born. Told myself, "Wake up at 7am, shower, by 8am, she will be awake, play with her, feed her, then shower her, feed her again, play with her and she will definitely sleep after at 10am." Bullshit. There are days, she wakes up way before me because the sound of my room door squeaks so loudly. Then, shower takes 30mins to 1 hour because my 'mak bidan' told me to take my time, scrubbing my skin, to heal my vjay-jay cut, and when I had to shit and and having constipation, it will take hours! Don't ask me to explain the horror or fear of shitting. All I can say, it didn't work for me at the beginning.
• I know planning is good. It's like an achievement. But sadly, we mothers don't get a pat on the back for doing any of those. "Well done, a Mom. You showered, breastfed, feed breakfast/lunch/dinner, changed diapers, clean the house, teach & play your kid. Here is $500 for your hard work today." *sigh* 
• I do make sure my daughter's routine is on track. Wakes up (at any time she wants to), breastfeed, breakfast, playtime, nap time, lunch time, playtime, breastfeed, nap time, dinner time, shower & get ready for her bedtime. Her routine is so organized, I don't know what to do when I have my own free time. Mostly I do is cleaning. Other days I just slumped down on the couch & stare at the TV. And wait for the time when my 'Mom Mode' is on again. 
• OK. Showering needs to be plan ahead. Shower before she wakes up every morning. MUST!

5. Have a hobby.

• I have hobbies. But most of them needs money or time. Time is so precious for me, I just want time to do nothing. Like stare at the TV or try to shower. I like dancing, but dancing cost money. I like doing design (I'm a qualified ID with a BA degree, who lost her touch) but designing needs to be full on. Okay, I'm not being positive here. I'm trying. I am trying to change my laziness. I like cooking & eating. But that will just add on to my weight. And it cost money.
• But I decided to go attend some dance classes, go look for some ID work online and cook healthy & eat better. 

6. Find ways to get sense of self accomplishment.

• I hope by joining the dance class, I will achieve something. For better & fitter health. And not talking about babies or mom life.

7. Clean everyday.

• I think I'm always cleaning in the kitchen. But I clean for God's sake! Because I clean so much, I get depressed. I end up feeling like a maid. That is not right. 

8. Get out of the house.

• Maybe I don't do this often. But then again, we do go out. Monday for AA's social class. And weekends around the city or out for lunch/dinner. But why am I still depressed. And I barely go out because it cost money. And again, our financial is tight. You go out, you want coffee. Or cakes. Or food. Or buy things. Or maybe because I'm always with my daughter & husband. Which leads me to the last list.

9. Make friends. Easy for one to say. Ps: Read what I wrote above.

• I think my only friend now is my daughter & husband. I miss having my goof friends around. Friends that I have made long time ago. I wish I was back home. So I don't have to bother making new ones. It's not easy. But I'm still trying. And still hoping. 

So there you have it. Some of the list I try to take into my life and practice to prevent me from going through this depression. And hope this post will help you mothers out there whose in the same roller coaster as me. One step at a time. I do feel slightly better writing this post down. It made me feel like a start to something. A project. Let's see if I am able to achieve this. Telling myself, even if there is no one out there to applaud me with this achievement, I know I'm doing this for myself. Cause I am an awesome women. 

Wrote this blog this afternoon. And took me whole day to finish it. Pausing in between because 'Mom-Mode' is on. Able to finish this blog because my daughter's asleep now and husband's off to work. And I took a shower just now (yeay!), instead of watching the TV after putting her to bed. The TV is still on though, but I only hear the background sound. I'm on the floor in the guestroom finishing this blog. And once done, I will eat my dinner and go to bed. Which is a not a healthy way to end the day, but I didn't have my dinner just now while taking care of my kid. One step at a time.

Here is 2 of the blogs I read to get inspired & motivated. Good luck mom's out there. We can do it!

Beating Depression as a SAHM

Banishing Stay at Home Mom Blues

This post says it all.

I stumbled upon this while doing some online surfing. And this post is what I'm going through now. Spot on. Trying my best to keep positive. Hoping for a better day tomorrow. 

But to those mom who are going through what I am going through, have a read. If you aren't sure what you're going through. Get what I mean..? We are not alone, mommies. 

http://www.abundantmama.com/isolated-mom/

Lonely

It's been 8 months since we made our moved to New Zealand. I enjoy living here so much. It's beautiful, people are friendly & helpful. The blue sky, green green grass, white fluffy cloud.. Everything is perfect here. 

But...

I feel somethings not right here. I am suddenly feeling empty. We went back to visit our family last week for 2 weeks. And it felt so good. Tiring, but good. Stressed. And wished it was longer so that we could've done more things. But grateful that we were able to go back.

As soon as we touched down Auckland, I feel this emptiness appear. Lonely. Yes, I have my baby girl & my beloved (bless you, my love) husband. But inside of me, I feel lonely.

Am I missing my family so much? Am I feeling alone because I don't have any friends here? Am I feeling shitty because I don't make money here? What am I to do, besides complaining & venting out in my blog?

Is there anyone out there going through what I am going through? 

I'm so afraid to do new things. Like joining a mommy group or get involved in activities. I keep thinking negative things like, "Shit, I need to ride the bus to go there. And to be with my kid, by myself, I don't think I can do it." Or, "How much will it cost? Cause I got no money." Or "Habibi's at home, what if he needs to eat?". 

In a way I'm so comfortable to be by myself, being a devoted domestic wife & mom, I will only feel save to go out if my husband is with me. Is this my nature? 

Or could it be because I am so sick & tired of making new friends? Or starting all over again? I'm more tired now since AA came into our life. I'm smellier now, untidy, messy, don't even shower for days, and I don't even know when will I be able to brush my teeth, let alone shave my armpit hair. 

I keep saying, after everyone is asleep, you do all those, but my brain just shuts down. Like my dumb-self appears and I refused to do anything but to have my dinner & watch TV. Read previous post.

I haven't even stepped into the dance studio I went to ask information before. Because my negative reply was, the timing wasn't right & how can we afford to pay the class. Because the money can be used for AA or home food or something better.

I've gained some weight & my body is no longer toned. I wanted to force-joined the gym which is just 'smacked-face' in-front of our place, but again financial will be a problem. 

Why do I always make myself go through this negativity in my whole freaking life. I am so negative to myself and till today I only know how to complain & cry. But nothing is done. 

Start a DIY, Zira. Start baking. Start with your brilliant idea on headgear turban. But all of it involves money. And we cant use the money we have at the moment for any of it, because we wont have enough later.

My glasses' needs to add power, but nope, I refused to make a new one or go get new lenses because it cost money. Same with my contact lenses. I even waited to go back Malaysia to have my hair cut. My toe is having a problem. I know there's a bone growing to the wrong direction that it's poking my nerve and maybe one day could damage my balance, but even though so, I have not seen any specialist feet/toe doctor. My daughter needs to be registered to a GP here, but nope, have not. 

What is wrong with me?