Quarter life Crisis?

Is there such a thing?
Going through a mini-menopause?
Am I just 'THIS'?
What am I contributing to my partner?
The society? The world?
Am I just going to keep being drained by my thoughts?
Why am I feeling so lost?
Why am I feeling useless?
Is this normal?
What's next?
Why am I not motivated?
Why am I not consistent?
Why can't I just stick to one thing?
Why are all my plans in my head are ignored or never fulfilled by me?
Why am I lazy?
Am I lazy?
Why would I rather sleep when she's asleep?
Am I giving so much excuses just because my husbands home during the day?
Am I too comfortable with what my daily life is?
Why does it feel shit at the end of the day?
Is it because I'm missing my family?
Are we done living overseas?
Is the fun & thrill finally over?
What is wrong with me?

I feel like God is giving us what we need but it is not blessed by Him. Something's not right. And I am lost. So lost. I really don't know what to do. Or who to talked too. I wonder if there is anyone out there who feels or felt this kinda lost. It may sound ridiculous or stupid or its such a tiny problem (now I feel ashamed writing this) but I need something or somebody to help me.

Lost.

It Came Back.

I guess everytime I'm nearing my menstrual period, my emotions is incontroble & my mood just snaps at everything that annoys me. I get that lonely again, feeling hopeless, useless & 'everyone-else-is-doing-better-than-me' feeling.

And his the closest to me, so he gets the first hit. I hate this. I hate that it keeps coming even when I felt like, "Hey, it's better now."

What triggers it? What? When days that financial is shit, I kept my cool & kept reminding myself, "Alhamdulillah. Be grateful. Alhamdulillah."

But this month, it came back & I blame myself for those words I regret because I sound so ungrateful.

Why am I not rich? I am actually poor & things around me tells me I am. Because I kept asking my husband to buy what 'I want.'

This depression roller coaster is killing me.

When It's about Him. I Trembled.

I hate to know that someone complains of comments or talk about him to me. It's like I failed to make him what he wants to be. I failed as a friend, partner & wife. But I am also feeling appreciative to know of this. Because one can't grow to be a better person without failing.

Maybe it's for the best. But then again, suddenly I felt lost of what I want him to be. *sigh*. What's happening? Is it the age that's making us going through this? Feeling failure. Oh, gosh. Life as an adult is sometimes scary.

I can do this. We can do this. He will learn. InsyaAllah.

Broken Tears.

It's been a long time. I made him cry today. 6th Oct 2017. It must've been very hard for him. I must've made him feel that way. And I feel shit. Because of me, he cried. I've broken his heart. In a way, I made him let go of that male, egoist & I can't handle it, man. I'm sorry, my love. I hate to see you cry. And I know, if you cry, it means that you just can't handle it.

The last time I heard & saw you cry was 10 years ago. And that was because, you were alone in the States & it was your first time to leave everything you love behind. And I cried so hard seeing you cry. Like I couldn't protect you.

And today, because I couldn't control my fear, anger, hatred, emotional, I shouted at you & saying things that doesn't support you, nagging you, pushed you down, made you feel more shit, yet you hugged me so tight, and say everything will be alright. And you cried because I made you feel like I've stop supporting you.

I feel shit. I'm sorry, my love. I lost it. I didn't mean to make you cry & feel worthless. You are my bestest friend & I promised 11 years ago, to support you & make you somebody & proof to all of them who looked down on you & made you feel like you're nobody.

Sometimes I forget who I am. And didn't realized what I say. I'm sorry. It's hard to hit bottom. And my fear creeps on me. And it got the worst of me. And I made you feel like you've done such a crappy job as a husband & father. I'm sorry.

The girl who supported you back then, is still there for you. Despite the roller coaster in life that we are now (finally) facing, arguments & fights & shouts & cries, I will always & forever support you. You are the bestest friend I can ever have, loving husband any wife can ask for & a great father our daughter could grow up with. You are amazing, my love.

I'm sorry I made you break down & cry. I take the blame for it. Forgive me.

Should I Stop My Breastfeeding?

She's now, going to be 19 months old at the end of this 30th July. Today, as I marked my calendar, 27.07.2017, I decided not to nurse her for the first time. And she was okay. And it made me wonder. Sad. Confused. Guilty. Selfish. And just sad. 

I didn't want to nurse her tonight, cause I'm having the bad cramps. Period is coming soon I guess. (Period is kinda 4 days late, women.) Man, do I sound like a selfish-bitch for not giving my daughter her night feed today, just because I'm having the PMS mood swings. 

But then again, she's didn't ask for it. She hasn't been asking for milk for quite a while, actually. I just realized, that every night, it is me or my husband, who asked her if she wants milk. It's like we are asking her to make a decision. And sometimes, she ignores me, but up till I show her my boobs, only then she gets all excited, liked it's a gift. So whats does that tells you? She wants it, or doesn't need to want it..? 

She is not the kind of toddler who touches my breast for milk. Or begs. Or cries out. Or pulls down or up my clothes. Cause I made it a routine for her. Like she knows, she will get her milk. From beginning, she drinks every 1 hour, giving me hell of time, not enough sleep. Then finally gets into the 8 times a day, to 6 times to 4 time and around 15/16 months of, she's only having 1 nurse. Every night, I will ask her and she will drink it. Is it a force? I mean, she takes it when given. But she doesn't ask for it. She wasn't cranky either. Just now, I casually zip up her sleep sack, switch off the table light and put her down in her cot, she was all okay. Does it mean, she's ready to wean?

But, I'm feeling sad. And guilty because I know the main reason I didn't want to feed her tonight was because of my PMS swings. The cramps is making me annoyed out of everything. But now, I'm sad. If it is, that she is ready to wean, I will miss this so badly. I've been doing it for 1 year 7 months! And I didn't have a good start with her in the beginning, but being a stubborn mule, I refused to stop back then. I was so determined to continue, even after a lot of hiccups, anger, fight, frustration, crying and arguing and don't mentioned about the PAIN, but I kept on going and going. And tonight, Thursday 27.07.2017, I did not nurse her. *SOBS!*

I don't know what or how to feel. Or I don't know what I'm feeling now. It's like, part of me is saying, "You selfish bitch, go feed her!". And the other part is "Maybe it's time. It'll be okay." Should I feed her? Oh, dear. 

I told my husband and hoping to help me ease my worrisome, and he, (oh,simple mind a man can be), said, "If she cries later, feed her." - Yup. Just. Like. That. Done. Why, thanks husband dearest. Guess, you just know what to say at the right time. Weaning is really "NOT" effecting me. And how "this thing" is a NO BIG DEAL to me. Whoop-pi!

*sigh* Damn you, PMS. 

These are my thoughts now. I have to write it down. Because I can't keep it to myself, and telling my husband just now, didn't really help me out with my confusion.

1. But, it's supposed to be for 2 years. Its not 2 years yet! I still got 5 more months to go! 
2. But she doesn't drink cows milk. She needs my milk to get her growing! Even if I know I'm giving her enough nutritious solid food, but my milk is the most important. And she only drinks my milk 1 time before bed. And now it stops?
3. Why isn't she asking for milk anymore? She don't need me anymore?
4. Am I not producing enough? But I always see milk dripping at my nipples after her feed.
5. Won't she be hungry?
6. Won't my boobs sore and get bloated because my boobs are so used to her feeding before bed?
7. But, I will miss my bond with her. I will miss her annoying me while I feed her.

Why do I feel bad. Why do I feel sad about this. It's good, right, if she herself weans on her own. I should be happy, right? I get to keep my boobs to myself now. 

Oh, dear. Now I'm crying because she didn't need to nurse just now. I seriously need to sort out my PMS now. It's not making it easier for me. 

ps: I feel my boobs producing the milk. Should I feed her? Will it get sore? 

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

What am I to do?