I got my melt downs again. Feeling hopeless. Feeling shit. About not me being a mom, but me being a person on this earth. What am I contributing besides being a full time SAHM.
I feel shit because I'm not working. I'm not earning any cash. Using my husband's money to buy things. Well, kept reminding myself, those "things" are used for us family, anyways. It's not like I'm using his money to buy my own things. I don't even get to pay with his money because when we buy groceries or coffee or go out for brunch/dinner, it is he the one whose paying. So technically, I don't have any money to pay anything. Nope. No cash in hand. Just my walking hubby-bank when needed.
I felt like, when I was in school, where I asked my parents for some cash to buy my favourite books of Sweet Valley High or jewelries or go to the movies. I roughly ask for sum amount before able to buy them. If I didn't overused it for food, drinks or other 'not-in-the-list'. It limits me to buy what I want. So I feel shit. Real shit.
Kinda miss my working days, where you can buy what you want. Eventhough you know your limit because you got to pay back those damn credit cards. But, the feeling to be able to just enter a shop, pick an item & contemplate to buy it or not because you can. And you know that the money you earn is for you only. After you minus off all the priority savings, bills and sorts.
Being a SAHM is awesome because you get to see and experience and witness your baby growing up in front of you. Every single detailed from the time they burped or fart or say their first word. Best memory kept forever. But we don't earn anything from that. Not that I asked to be paid, because I chooses this life. But days like this, where I feel shitty, because I realized I'm just a human being, staying at home, taking care of a kid who will grow up, one day hating me for not allowing her to go for a party on a weekday or fight with me because I invade her privacy and many more (which I'm mentally preparing myself, even if my Lil'birdie is only one years old now - Hahahaha!) and I have done nothing to to get some money. And I depend on my man.
I guess I wanted to feel satisfied, achieved and successful if I earn some cash. Maybe it makes me feel important. I just want to earn some money for myself. So I can buy those handbags that I dream off or new clothes or a shampoo that I needed cause my hair now have flakes and ain't as lushes as it used to be. Or even a new bra. For my boobs changed from a perky teenager to a women to a mother who breastfeed to a saggy tits from all those breastfeeding.
Yes, my husband always tells me to inform him what I need, but the thing is, I know our budget. I know how much he earns and how much we have to pay for rent and those monthly bills and at the end of the day, I know how much we have to buy our needed groceries & maybe once or twice 'lepaking' at a cafe or dine in a restaurant for dinner.
You see, if we decided to eat out and have those mid-day coffees & desserts, chances are, we can't go for shopping. So its either or. Meaning either we go on a die-of-hunger for us to shop-till-we-drop, or we priorities on buying groceries to eat and survive. Gosh, I'm so dramatic here. Hahahaha!
But its true. It's either or. So that's why I feel shitty for I wish to get some extra money so I can just go "Oh, Habibi, I'm out out pantyliner, so I'm going out for a while to get them", rather than "Habibi, can I buy a pantyliner? Oh wait, we only have this this amount for this week. It's okay. I'll just use the tissue paper. Oh, wait! We're out of tissue paper. So, it's either tissue paper or the baby wipes. Shit."
Sigh.
I do wish I have money not just for myself. But would be nice that I can buy things for my baby girl. Just because. Or a gift for my husband. Just because. Or bring him for dinner or lunch or watch a movie. Just because. At least it will be a nice surprise compare to me asking him the money and he ask for what and I say it's a surprise. Don't think it's even a surprise because he knows that's his money I used.
I did those online surveys and I just got points. And nope. Not money. Then I did those online opinion thingy and apparently I'm not qualified for their needed opinion. Maybe because they sense I'm a loser SAHM. And selling things? I can do that, but why would I sell something to Malaysia from here where the currency exchange is ridiculous and postage cost is the same price or double of the item that I might be selling. I tried. But international postage from NZ is just crazy.
I was excited when I received a freelance job doing my Interior work. But that project is finished. I handout my drawings and just waiting for my last payment, in which I will end up using it paying my Malaysia mobile bill & insurances. And end up zero again. Now that the project is done deal, I'm waiting for my ID world to change my life again. Anyone needs a virtual personal design consultation? I'm available. I'm not good with 3D drawings, but I am good being a personal designer to help advice, make 2D drawings, mood boards, colour concept scheme and some basic technical drawings. Email me. *silent wind*
I wanted to continue doing my grandma's coconut jam but do far I have not discovered anyone selling duck eggs. I found a big farmer for ducks and emailed them, and they said they no longer sell them. I was so positive when I sent that email and told myself, yes it's going to be good. But when they replied it just crushed me down. There goes another dust of my hidden talent.
Gosh, I'm effing complaining. I'm so not grateful it seems. Everytime I read back what I wrote about how ducky my life is, I remind myself, "You're one ungrateful human being". Is this because I'm having my PMS soon? Or I'm just going through this money issue for a person who stopped working for 6 years? And now I'm more pressured because I'm a mother?
Another case of my miserable life is, everytime I get my time off as being a wife (hubby leaves work at 10pm) and a mom (AA sleeps at 9pm), I finally get to eat my peaceful dinner and sit down, watch some TV or surf the net and when I want to do something positive, for instance updating this blog, I get lazy or kept postponing it. And when later comes it's almost 2am and I need to get my sleep because in the next 5-6 hours, AA will wake up and the mom job mode mode is ON. And 10am is wife mode ON.
I started typing this while I was pooing for god's sake! I needed to vent out. Cause I feel so empty, feel like a loser, hopeless, nothing. I can't seem to be focus to do anything after my wife/mom job ends at night. All I want to do is eat, scratch my bum or tummy, eat junk, watch TV or online TV, and shut down my brain.
Speaking of shut down my brain, it doesn't. Because even if I'm acting all "Aaah, my wife/mom job is done for the day", my brain is still working. Because it's planning for tomorrow's job. Baby's bottle needs to be washed to fill new water, breakfast menu for baby and husband. Then plan for lunch. Then think about those delays insurances not paid, or money owed to the parents. Or when is our shipment of things from China is arriving? Need to remind hubby to email. Shit, need to register AA & myself to the GP and get her vaccinated. So on and on and on.
And I do this while watching TV or eating. Or sit down and stare at the blinds. And wished that the blinds are slightly darker colour or maybe white would be better to make the living room bigger. And when I'm about to sleep, I cry myself because I am a miserable, hopeless, SAHM & wife. And nobody give me a pat on the shoulder to say good job for it, because nobody sees it. Except my husband. Who doesn't know how to show appreciation. He loves me yes. But he just doesn't know how to.
OK. I got to go. I'm about to bawl my eyes out again. Goodnight.